


Hope's Peak Academy's staff must have been on drugs to allow this

by Notal_ent



Series: Hope's Peak do be wild tho [2]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Hope's Peak Academy (Dangan Ronpa), Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Chatting & Messaging, Dont worry its not going to be too angsty, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hinata Hajime and Kamukura Izuru Are Siblings, Hinata Hajime and Kamukura Izuru Are Twins, Idiots in Love, It's my comfort chatfic and I get to make references to indie games noone has heard about, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Reserve Course (Dangan Ronpa), Rusty Lake/Cube Escape Series, Sakakura Juzo is Sato's brother, Strip Poker, Suspence since there is no angst yet lmao, Thats for the Bonus Stories, not explicitly shown
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:14:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27215494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notal_ent/pseuds/Notal_ent
Summary: A chatfic for me to write the characters more casually, will focus mostly on the cast of the second game (+Natsumi ans Sato because I love them) but other characters will appear overtimeThe ships in the tags will all happen eventually and I'll add other ships/characters as they appearI hope you enjoy this weird ass shitshow[On Hiatus because I'm writing another SDR2 fic]
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede/Iruma Miu, Fukawa Touko/Naegi Komaru, Genocider Syo | Genocide Jack/Naegi Komaru, Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, Koizumi Mahiru/Sato, Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko/Pekoyama Peko, Kuzuryu Natsumi/Nanami Chiaki, Mioda Ibuki/Tsumiki Mikan, Naegi Makoto/Togami Byakuya, Nanami Chiaki & Owari Akane, Nidai Nekomaru/Owari Akane, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Sonia Nevermind & Owari Akane, Sonia Nevermind/Soda Kazuichi/Tanaka Gundham
Series: Hope's Peak do be wild tho [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998961
Comments: 74
Kudos: 164





	1. Hope's Peak Academy's staff made a huge mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Nickname reference (yes I know they're long, no I do not give a fuck about it):
> 
> Izuru (Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?)  
> Chiaki (Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?)  
> Hajime, eventually (SHSL Mom/Housewife)  
> Nagito (The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret)  
> Ibuki (she S C R E A M)  
> Mikan (Nurse "I'm sorry")  
> Hiyoko (Squish squish Mahiru's sanity)  
> Mahiru (Being the mom friend is hard work)  
> Peko (PekoPekoPekoPeko)  
> Fuyuhiko (You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances)  
> Kazuichi (If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic)  
> Sonia (I for one welcome our new hamster overlord)  
> Gundham (The new hamster overlord)  
> Impostor (V is for vendetta)  
> Teruteru (Cooking Mama's pervert son)  
> Nekomaru (Oh shit…)  
> Akane (Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Threat)  
> Sato (SHSL Yandere)

[Chiaki Nanami has added Sonia Nevermind, Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu, Izuru Hinata and 12 more to the chat]

Chiaki Nanami: Hello everyone, I made this chat because Miss Yukizome wanted me to make one

Chiaki Nanami: She said it would strengthen our bonds as a class… I think

Chiaki Nanami: She also said that if we wanted to add someone to the group chat from a different class or school we could do that, she said she didn't care as long as we made friends… I think

Mahiru Koizumi: You'd sound more confident if you had a better catchphrase…

Mahiru Koizumi: Otherwise I think it was a great idea to make a group chat Chiaki

Sonia Nevermind: I very much agree!

Gundham Tanaka: Alas, the ever slumbering one has been called upon to make an alliance between all of us! Very well Chiaki Nanami, the great overlord of ice, Gundham Tanaka, shall accept this declaration of peace!

Kazuichi Souda: Can someone translate this nonsense?

Sonia Nevermind: He likes the idea of a class group chat and thanks Chiaki for making it.

Chiaki Nanami: You're welcome Gundham

Hiyoko Saionji: Yukizome allows for people outside the class to join right? Doesn't this dismiss the entire idea of a class group chat

Hiyoko Saionji: I say we don't allow other filth to join, I can barely stand you as it is

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu: Fuck you, fuck your rule

[Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu has added Natsumi Kuzuryu to the chat]

Natsumi Kuzuryu: I feel some little bitch was talking shit

Mahiru Koizumi: Hiyoko the main purpose of this chat is for us to make bonds so it's nice for us to have more people to talk to

Hiyoko Saionji: Getting scolded sucks :P

Mahiru Koizumi: Fuyuhiko she didn't mean it like that so don't go cussing her out

Peko Pekoyama: Should I?

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu: Nah, leave it

Mahiru Koizumi: and Natsumi

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu: Actually Peko, prepare yourself just in case

Peko Pekoyama: Understood

Hiyoko Saionji: Don't you fucking dare do anything to Mahiru you statue bitch

Mahiru Koizumi: Hiyoko!

Mahiru Koizumi: Sorry the internet is a little laggy, I just wanted to say hi

Natsumi Kuzuryu: Sup bitch, you haven't come to visit for a while

Mahiru Koizumi: Yeah sorry about that

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu: What the fuck? Since when are you two all buddy buddy?

Peko Pekoyama: … Should I?

Natsumi Kuzuryu: Nah don’t, and I started hanging out with her friend so it’d be pretty stupid to bully cherry head over here

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu: I’ve missed so much shit since I came to these motherfucking dorms

Mahiru Koizumi: Well since Natsumi’s here I might as well

[Mahiru Koizumi has added Sato Sakakura to the chat]

Hiyoko Saionji: Oh come on! First genderbend Fuyuhiko now a yandere reject!

Mahiru Koizumi: Come on Hiyoko, they’re pretty nice when you get to know them… and break through their years of emotional baggage but after that they’re very good friends

Sato Sakakura: Natsumi was right, you’re exactly like him

Natsumi Kuzuryu: Of course I was right!

Ibuki Mioda: Ooooooh mystery person! Who is he?????

Sato Sakakura: I thought Chiaki had added him already?

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu: I keep learning new shit and I don’t fuckng like it

Natsumi Kuzuryu: @Chiaki Nanami you’re gonna give your class access to a free therapist or fucking what?

Ibuki Mioda: The buildup! The tension! Ibuki can’t wait anymore!!!!!!!!

Chiaki Nanami: Sorry, I was playing Animal Crossing but fell asleep, couldn’t you add him Natsumi?

Sato Sakakura: It’s more fun to make you do it

Natsumi Kuzuryu: Bitch, stop reading my mind

Sato Sakakura: No <3

[Chiaki Nanami has added Hajime Hinata to the chat]

Ibuki Mioda: The tension releases! All this buildup has led us to!!!!!! Hajime!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hi!

Hajime Hinata: Um, hello? What’s going on here?

Chiaki Nanami: Natsumi and Sato were building up to your appearance

Hajime Hinata: Pretty disappointing… surprise? 

Sato Sakakura: Oop Hajime is self deprecating, did the vending machine run out of iced coffee?

Hajime Hinata: Yeah, a white haired guy put a quarter in and every drink fell out, then the machine exploded

Gundham Tanaka: Do not mention the cursed one! Even uttering a description is sure to put you in grave danger Plain One, especially since you are a part of the accursed people!

Hajime Hinata: What?

Natsumi Kuzuryu: The fuck?

Sato Sakakura: Mahiru, why haven’t you told me you have a crazy person in your class?

Mahiru Koizumi: Gundham just talks weirdly, he doesn’t do anyone harm, I’m not sure what he’s saying though…

Sonia Nevermind: It appears I have missed a lot while I was offline, good day to you Natsumi, Sato and Hajime! Gundham is worried about Nagito’s reaction to Reserve Course students being in our chat

Natsumi Kuzuryu: Damn there are no normal people here huh?

Hajime Hinata: What is he gonna do? Does he hate the Reserve Course with a burning passion or something?

Chiaki Nanami: One day you’re going to realise how accurate the things you say are… I hope

Ibuki Mioda: EVERYBODY STOP RIGHT NOW!!

Sonia Nevermind: Is something wrong Ibuki?

Ibuki Mioda: Yeah there is! Everyone is talking about boring things and not realizing that the nicknames haven’t been changed yet!

Chiaki Nanami: Oh yeah… guess I forgot to do that

Ibuki Mioda: I’ll do it right now!!!!!

Gundham Tanaka: I feel a sudden surge of overwhelming energy!

Sonia Nevermind: I too feel a little fear of Ibuki’s nickname ideas!

Hinata Hajime: I hope they’re not too long

Chiaki Nanami: You sweet summer child

[Ibuki Mioda has changed to chat’s name to Hope's Peak's staff made a huge mistake]

[Ibuki Mioda has changed her nickname to she S C R E A M]

[she S C R E A M has changed 18 nicknames]

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Do you understand now, Hajime?

SHSL Mom: No? Not really

SHSL Mom: I also don’t understand my nickname

SHSL Yandere: Me neither

SHSL Threat: You have me to thank for those, be grateful it’s not whatever that living impersonation of a glowstick was going to give you

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I feel this chat is very calm and peaceful, I really enjoy everyone’s company

Being the mom friend is hard work: Me too, everyone has been getting along pretty well

SHSL Mom: I hope it’s not a “calm before the storm situation”

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Hajime…

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Such an unfortunate situation, a beautiful chat made by the Ultimate Gamer has been tainted by three reserve course leeches… Now I realise the true good luck that I experienced today at the vending machine, Hajime

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Also I would really hate to argue with an Ultimate but this nickname… I would rather it be changed but if Ibuki doesn’t agree I will accept it

SHSL Mom: Oh of course that was you

Being the mom friend is hard work: He completely ignored the nickname

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: @SHSL Mom What did you think when you saw every drink drop down the machine then an explosion? You have met only one white haired guy in the main course brother, plus Sonia said his name while translating Gundham

SHSL Mom: @Who needs sleep when you have Kirby? I understand now

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: No, you don’t

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: Also

[Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents? has given Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents? admin privileges]

[Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents? changed SHSL Mom’s nickname to SHSL Housewife]

SHSL Housewife: I am disgusted by the fact that I’m related to you

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: You know you love me, brother

SHSL Housewife: No <3

SHSL Yandere: You put a heart after the No though

SHSL Housewife: Fuck

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: I told you so, brother

SHSL Threat: I’m so glad you added me to this chat, brother @You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances

Being the mom friend is hard work: All that’s left is to add Juzo in here huh Sato

SHSL Yandere: “Why the hell are you in a main course chat? And why the fuck am I here?!” “ I needed to complete the chain of Reserve Course students saying “brother” to their brothers, brother.”

she S C R E A M: Ibuki’s eyes fell out from Sato’s last text! I might name a song after this glorious moment. I’ll name it.... “These familial relations will blow your brothers away”!!!!

SHSL Yandere: No don’t

V is for Vendetta: Please tell me why I wake up from my 30 minute nap to this hell

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I think you should see it from the beginning as this will probably be the norm from now on :)

V is for Vendetta: … alright, I’ve always liked to read random drama in the mornings


	2. Why did this happen so early in the morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izuru (Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?)  
> Chiaki (Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?)  
> Hajime (SHSL Housewife)  
> Nagito (The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret)  
> Ibuki (she S C R E A M)  
> Mikan (Nurse "I'm sorry")  
> Hiyoko (Squish squish Mahiru's sanity)  
> Mahiru (Being the mom friend is hard work)  
> Peko (PekoPekoPekoPeko)  
> Fuyuhiko (You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances)  
> Kazuichi (If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic)  
> Sonia (I for one welcome our new hamster overlord)  
> Gundham (The new hamster overlord)  
> Impostor (V is for vendetta)  
> Teruteru (Cooking Mama's pervert son)  
> Nekomaru (Oh shit…)  
> Akane (Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Threat)  
> Sato (SHSL Yandere)
> 
> Depresso Espresso and a lot of Vodka:  
> Hajime (Orange Juice and Vodka)  
> Sato (Happy Sugar Life)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Little Bitch)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have decided that Natsumi x Chiaki is great and since there are literally no fics with this ship I will deliberately make them fluffy and in love throughout this fic

she S C R E A M: Good morning everybodyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!

SHSL Housewife: Ibuki it’s 6 am, why are you awake?

SHSL Yandere: Yeah, your classes don’t start until 9

she S C R E A M: Ibuki was hit with a sudden wave of inspiration in the middle of the night so she has been working on her new songs since then!

she S C R E A M: Waaaiiiiit, why are you guys awake????

SHSL Housewife: Classes in the Reserve Course start at 7:30

she S C R E A M: Ooooooh do you guys live far away from campus?  
SHSL Yandere: No, out of us three only Natsumi doesn’t live in the dorms

SHSL Housewife: We have a test in our first class so we’re reviewing one last time before then

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: What subject is it on?

SHSL Housewife: Chiaki please tell me you didn’t stay up all night to play Animal Crossing

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: I didn’t, I fell asleep at 1am and then I woke up at 5am and I’ve been playing since then

SHSL Yandere: Do all of class 77-B have such horrible sleeping schedules?

she S C R E A M: Yes!!!!!!!

SHSL Yandere: I see…

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: So, what subject is your test on?

SHSL Yandere: German, Vocabulary

SHSL Housewife: The teacher’s going to give us about 100 words and we have to write each word’s definite article and translation

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I didn’t know German was mandatory in the Reserve Course

SHSL Yandere: It’s not but a forein language is, we had to choose from German, French, Russian and English

SHSL Housewife: Me and Sato chose German while Natsumi chose English

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I see, in my country every school must have Japanese, Chinese and Spanish as options along with the ones you listed

she S C R E A M: Is Sonia’s whole country as educated as she is?!?!?!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: In terms of languages every citizen is required to know at least 4 forein languages

SHSL Yandere: That whole country must be on some kind of drug…

SHSL Threat: God does this chat never shut the fuck up

SHSL Housewife: You can always mute it you know

SHSL Threat: And miss you getting flamed by your brother? No way 

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: I agree that it is mildly entertaining

SHSL Housewife: Wow thanks

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: You’re welcome, brother

SHSL Threat: Sad, Fuyuhiko isn’t here and I can’t annoy him

PekoPekoPekoPeko: Should I go and get him?

SHSL Threat: @she S C R E A M what sort of acid were you on when you gave Peko this nickname?

SHSL Yandere: It kinda looks like she was having a stroke while she was writing it

she S C R E A M: Because I was!

SHSL Yandere: Excuse me?

she S C R E A M: Originally Peko’s name was going to be “Peko Peko sees your crimes” but out of nowhere Ibuki’s hands started shaking very violently and when they stopped autocorrect had changed the nickname to “PekoPekoPekoPeko”

she S C R E A M: Ibuki decided that this nickname was a divine intervention!!! So she left it like that!

Nurse "I'm sorry": Ibuki! Th-th-that is def-f-finitely not healthy! I-I will come to your dorm r-r-r-right aw-way to check up on y-you!

she S C R E A M: Ibuki will get a visit from the cute nurse! it must have been divine intervention after all!!!!

SHSL Threat: I never thought I would see someone gayer than Sato

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: It’s kind of cool how everyone is coming together so early in the morning, soon everyone will be online at the same time… I think

SHSL Yandere: @SHSL Threat your room has a mirror right?

SHSL Threat: Shut your mouth before I put you six feet under

SHSL Yandere: ;)

SHSL Housewife: ;)

SHSL Threat: @SHSL Housewife out of all the people to betray me

SHSL Housewife: Payback for the spam last night

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: The first thing I see when I wake up is three reserves having a civil war, how unpleasant

SHSL Housewife: Fuck you too Nagito

SHSL Yandere: @SHSL Housewife focus on the German, you know damn well I’ll be cheating off of you

SHSL Housewife: Don’t blame me when we both fail though

You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances: Why the hell are all of you so damn active in this fucking chat, it’s almost 7 for fuck’s sake

SHSL Threat: Don’t you fucking dare copy my enterance

You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances: I’m not copying shit Natsumi

Being the mom friend is hard work: I’m pretty afraid of Fuyuhiko and Natsumi fighting

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Hell yeah a yakuza fight, this better be bloody!

Being the mom friend is hard work: Hiyoko please don’t say things like that, especially so early in the morning

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Fiiiiiine, I hope they don’t bleed when they fight

Being the mom friend is hard work: I guess that’s good enough…

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I believe this is the appropriate time to say “whipped”

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: You’re doing very good with the internet slang Miss Sonia!

The new hamster overlord: I despise the thought of agreeing with the Controller of machines but I shall make an exception just this once, for the Dark Lady’s use of the forbidden language is improving with blinding speeds! 

SHSL Threat: Whipped

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Whipped

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Ewwww, Mahiruuuuu that blonde freak said the same thing as meeee

SHSL Threat: EeWwWwW, pEkOoOo ThAt BaNaNa HaIrEd tOdDlEr InSuLtEd MeEeEeEe

PekoPekoPekoPeko: Should I draw my sword?

Being the mom friend is hard work: No no, please don’t Peko

Being the mom friend is hard work: Hiyoko I’m sure you don’t want me to keep reprimanding you like this but please refrain from saying things like that

SHSL Threat: I don’t know Mahiru, maybe she has a humiliation kink

Being the mom friend is hard work: No!!!!!!!!!! Don’t say things like that!

SHSL Threat: Poor Sato lmao, it’s going to be such an awkward threesome [SHSL Threat has deleted this message]

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Such a half-hearted attempt at hiding your message, but that should be expected

SHSL Threat: I can’t wait for the day he fucking destroys you and leaves you limping

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Could this be? A reserve attempting to threaten my life?

SHSL Threat: No ;) This time I’m not ;) you better be grateful ;) what you’re going to get will be far more unpleasant for that weird fucking complex you have going on ;) ;) ;) ;) and far more pleasat for something else ;);););););););););)

SHSL Yandere: ;)

SHSL Yandere: Screenshotted for spam at a later date, also Natsumi classes will start in 20 mins

SHSL Threat: Bye losers

SHSL Threat: Nagito, ;) ;) ;)

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Bye Natsumi, I hope you and Hajime do well on the test, Sato

SHSL Yandere: @SHSL Threat ;)

SHSL Threat replied to Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Bye, again

SHSL Threat replied to SHSL Yandere: Shut the fuck up

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Such a depressing attempt at threat, so fitting for a reserve. 

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: I don’t think she was threatening Sato or you for that matter… I think

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: Can everybody shut up for a second?

Oh shit…: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNIIIIIIIIIIIIIING EVERYONE! I’M GLAD THAT EVERYONE HAS WOKEN UP MUCH EARLIER THAN USUAL TODAAAAAAAAY!

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: Oh yeah, good morning 

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Good morning

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Good morning Akane, Nekomaru! I assume you were training

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: Hell yeah we were! I got even closer to beating him than last time!

Oh shit…: OF COURSE! AKANE IS MAKING VERY GOOD PROGRESS!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I see, I’m very happy for you Akane

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: Thanks <3

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: No problem <3

she S C R E A M: What is this????????? A couple appears on the horizon!! Could it really be?!?!?!?!!

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: What the hell are you talking about?

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Pardon me! I realize how this looks and would like to clarify that I specifically asked Akane to help me practice my use of emoticons and other such internet related things! We are not a couple!

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: I don’t really understand what Ibuki is trying to say but since I was also having trouble using these little faces so Sonia asked me to practice with her

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: It has been really fun so far so all of you better not talk crap or I’ll come and beat you up!

she S C R E A M: Alrighty! I understand now, Sonia and Akane are learning the art of :) :) together!!!!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: “Hell yes” we are!

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: Yeah!

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: Wait I got distracted, I wanted to ask Teruteru when breakfast would be ready

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: He hasn’t been online yet

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: @Cooking Mama's pervert son 

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: @Cooking Mama's pervert son 

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: @Cooking Mama's pervert son

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: This is how I can make him come online, right?

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Yeah

Cooking Mama's pervert son: And what would Miss Akane want from me on this fine morning?

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: The same thing I want every damn morning, food!

Cooking Mama's pervert son: Of course, of course, I have already started making breakfast for everybody

Cooking Mama's pervert son: It will be ready in a couple of minutes however

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: :(

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: @Who needs sleep when you have Kirby? @I for one welcome our new hamster overlord I should use this one right?

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: :’( would also fit this situation

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Ah, Chiaki is so informative! I will make note of this reaction immediately!

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: I’m glad I could help

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: By the way, can I ask a favour of you Teruteru?

Cooking Mama's pervert son: But of course, anything for the members of my favourite class

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Hajime, Sato and Natsumi kept worrying that they won't be able to have lunch since the only store close to the Reserve Course closed down, could you make them lunch? Just for today

Cooking Mama's pervert son: You’re so noble Chiaki, I will provide what was asked of me, of course. Plus the three of them are hot as well so it’s even better for me

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: That last part wasn’t necessary, but thank you anyway

Being the mom friend is hard work: Don’t thank him when he says stuff like that!

You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances: Say that shit about my sister one more time and I’ll put you in a concrete grave!

PekoPekoPekoPeko: I will strike on sight as well, so I suggest you watch what you say

Cooking Mama's pervert son: Avril Lavigne, you are a scary bunch!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Are you enjoying looking through the chat, Impostor?

V is for Vendetta: Yes actually, it kind of reminds me of reading a newspaper in the morning

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I’m very glad :)

///////////////

[Depresso Espresso and a lot of Vodka]

SHSL Little Bitch: Bruhhhhh she’s so cute what the fuck who the fuck allowed this shit, who the fuck let her be this cute while bringing me lunch what the fuuuuuuuuuck

Happy Sugar Life: Mahiru came too she was worried about me I’m gonna fucking die oh my god

Orange Juice and Vodka: I don’t know what this chat will become if I start acting this lovesick too

SHSL Little Bitch: Shut your trap, Chiaki and Mahiru brought us lunch and your microwaved soap looking ass twink just keeps repeating “UsElEsS rEsErvEs”

Happy Sugar Life: Are you jealous tsundere boy? Are you jealous of the Lemsbians that have a more successful love life than you’ll ever have?

Orange Juice and Vodka: You literally just said that he hates Reserve Course students, he hates everyone without a talent in general. How the hell am I supposed to make literally any moves if he despises my entire existence?

SHSL Little Bitch: Who is gonna tell him?

Orange Juice and Vodka: Tell me what??

Happy Sugar Life: As Chiaki once said “ you sweet summer child”

Orange Juice and Vodka: I don’t understand

SHSL Little Bitch: @Happy Sugar Life We’ll let this draw out a little longer then if they keep being dumb we’ll step in

Happy Sugar Life: Aight, sounds good

Orange Juice and Vodka: I’m so confused

Orange Juice and Vodka: Anyway, you guys be careful when you leave, especially you Natsumi.

SHSL Little Bitch: Yeah yeah mom, I’ll make sure. Seriously I can’t believe you’re taking this rumour so seriously, like do you really think people are getting jumped at random after classes?

Happy Sugar Life: I mean it sounds a little outlandish but it’s better to be careful anyway

Orange Juice and Vodka: Somehow it reached my brother and he decided that it was important enough for him to warn me about, so I assume it’s serious enough

SHSL Little Bitch: Damn, fine then I’ll keep an eye out when I exit school today. You two better not go getting shanked on me ok?

Happy Sugar Life: Right

Orange Juice and Vodka: Yeah, of course

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this? A hint of plot? In MY chatfic? More likely than you think


	3. Call Length: 05:47 minutes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izuru (Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?)  
> Chiaki (Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?)  
> Hajime (SHSL Housewife)  
> Nagito (The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret)  
> Ibuki (she S C R E A M)  
> Mikan (Nurse "I'm sorry")  
> Hiyoko (Squish squish Mahiru's sanity)  
> Mahiru (Being the mom friend is hard work)  
> Peko (PekoPekoPekoPeko)  
> Fuyuhiko (You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances)  
> Kazuichi (If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic)  
> Sonia (I for one welcome our new hamster overlord)  
> Gundham (The new hamster overlord)  
> Impostor (V is for vendetta)  
> Teruteru (Cooking Mama's pervert son)  
> Nekomaru (Oh shit…)  
> Akane (Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Threat)  
> Sato (SHSL Yandere)
> 
> Depresso Espresso and a lot of Vodka:  
> Hajime (Orange Juice and Vodka)  
> Sato (Happy Sugar Life)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Little Bitch)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Natsumi and Chiaki talk about Pokemon and Sato's panic is justified

[Hope's Peak's staff made a huge mistake]

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Man the past few days have been depressing as hell for no reason at all

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I assume that kind of depressing feeling comes from the change in seasons, winter has just begun and every day is getting colder and greyer

SHSL Threat: Unlike Sato, who’s getting colder and gayer

SHSL Yandere: I hate it here

SHSL Threat: I love you too bitch

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I have been meaning to ask, why have you been absent from the chat in the last few days?

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Yeah, it got kind of quiet since you guys aren’t here to provide commentary on everything we do

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: That’s a little too straightforward…

SHSL Threat: Tests, the teachers in the Reserve Course fucking love throwing tests at us every month

SHSL Threat: @SHSL Yandere don’t even dare comment

SHSL Yandere: Oooh scary 

SHSL Yandere: But she’s right, this past week we haven’t been able to catch our breath

she S C R E A M: Is that why Hajime isn’t here rn??????????

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: Yes, his various complexes are the reason why he spends most of his time studying alone, like a friendless shut-in

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: I think you two should tone down the roasting, you’re family after all… I think

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: You’re saying you’re not sure they’re twins??????

SHSL Threat: @Who needs sleep when you have Kirby? You haven’t seen shit, you should come to dinner with my family and see the chaos that unfolds there 

////////////

[Depresso Espresso and a lot of Vodka]

Happy Sugar Life: You smooth bitch

SHSL Little Bitch: You fucking know it

////////////

[Hope's Peak's staff made a huge mistake]

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: I see…

she S C R E A M: HEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY! Ibuki just remembered something very coooooool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nurse "I'm sorry": Wh-what is it I-Ibuki?

SHSL Threat: Damn today the chat has been taken over by Lesbians

SHSL Yandere: ;)

she S C R E A M: Ibuki has decided to help Leon from 78-A with his musical career!

Nurse "I'm sorry": I-I-I think that’s very k-kind of y-y-you Ibuki

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I agree, it is very noble of you to help one of the first years with his passions!

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Is he the same Leon that’s in my nickname?

she S C R E A M: Yes!!! Ibuki met him in the beginning of the school year! I thought your personalities matched, especially since you’re both simps!!!!

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: …

SHSL Threat: Ibuki used Simp! It’s very effective!

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Do you play Pokemon too, Natsumi?! What game are you playing?

SHSL Threat: Yeah, I’m playing Ultra Sun since the pokedex for Sword/Shield fucking sucked

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: What gym are you on? What starter did you pick? What are your favourite types? What pokemon are in your team? Do you have favourite pokemon?? What are they???

SHSL Threat: Damn, rapid fire questions

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Oh, I’m sorry if that was too much… I didn’t mean to overwhelm you. I got so excited I started spamming… kinda

SHSL Threat: Don’t go typing all sad and shit, if you fucking fear spamming then I’ll answer in a DM, no need to get all apologetic and shit for nothing

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Really??! Then please answer as fast as you can

////////////////

[Depresso Espresso and a lot of Vodka]

Happy Sugar Life: Lucky day huh bitch

SHSL Little Bitch: Don’t fucking talk to me I’m having a Lesbian Mental Breakdown ™

Happy Sugar Life: Mood

////////////////

[Hope's Peak's staff made a huge mistake]

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Ibuki, do you perhaps know any more of the first years, or have you only met Leon?

she S C R E A M: I’ve seen the rest of 78-A, they’re pretty cool! Celestia is the SHSL Gambler and she reminds Ibuki of Sonia, but more dark and mysterious!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I see, I should go introduce myself sometime then

she S C R E A M: There’s also Byakuya, the SHSL

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: SHSL…?

she S C R E A M: Ibuki doesn’t understand his Ultimate talent…

V is for Vendetta: He’s the SHSL Affluent Progeny and the heir to the Togami corporation

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: You’re very informed, Impostor!

V is for Vendetta: I used to be disguised as him for a certain amount of years but since there was a possibility of him joining Hope’s Peak I decided to stop

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: It’s nice seeing you talk about yourself from time to time

V is for Vendetta: Thanks, I suppose

she S C R E A M: Byakuya reminds Ibuki of Nagito, except he’s not crazy and looks down on everyone instead!

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: So the complete opposite of Nagito…

she S C R E A M: And there’s Hina, the SHSL Swimming Pro!!! She looks like Akane and likes doughnuts!!!!!!

she S C R E A M: Ibuki only knows how to spell the word doughnut because Hina taught her ahahaha!

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Am I the only one who thinks her laugh is creepy as hell when it’s typed out?

she S C R E A M: Uhhhh, who else? Who else? Ibuki remembers one more person but she doesn’t remember the name…

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: This Hina or whatever girl sounds cool, is she strong? Can I fight her?

Oh shit…: SHE TRAINS WITH A GOOD ACQUAINTANCE OF MINE, WHO IS IN HER CLASS! SAKURA OGAMI, THE ULTIMATE MARTIAL ARTIIIIIIIST! 

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: Hell yeah! If she’s a friend of Coach then she must be strong!

Oh shit…: OF COURSE, IT’S SAID THAT SHE’S THE STRONGEST PERSON ALIVEEEEEEE!

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: I’m getting pumped up! I’m gonna go and fight her right now!

Oh shit…: WAIT! SHE’S STRONGER THAN ME, YOU SHOULDN’T ATTEMPT THINGS LIKE THAT! YOU HAVE TO PROPERLY STAGE ALL YOUR FIGHTS AND BUILD UP GRADUALLY!!!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I believe she’s already gone

Oh shit…: DAMN THAT WOMAN, DON’T TAKE ON SUCH STRONG OPPONENTS BEFORE EVEN WARMING UP!!!!!!!

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: Ogami’s title of “Strongest person alive” is false anyway

SHSL Yandere: Did you come here just to brag?

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: I’m not bragging, merely stating facts. She cannot be the strongest person alive as long as I exist, plus, I believe that there is another person stronger than her

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I do not think Akane will care much about that

SHSL Yandere: I don’t know how Hajime is able to do this, every time I reply to one of Izuru’s text I feel like my soul is getting sucked out of my body

SHSL Yandere: Speaking of Hajime, where the fuck is he? He hasn’t been active since he left school today

she S C R E A M: Ah! I remember now! The person from 78-A is Makoto, the SHSL Lucky Student!

she S C R E A M: When Ibuki saw him for the first time she mistook him for a shorter Hajime! Makoto looks like Hajime’s brother more than Izuru does ahahahahah!

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: I disagree

SHSL Yandere: That still doesn’t answer my question

Squish Squish Mahiru’s Sanity: If you’re gonna spam him do it somewhere else, my damn phone is blowing up from all your stupid messages!

/////////////

[Depresso Espresso and a lot of Vodka]

Happy Sugar Life: Hajime stop studying for five minutes and answer me

Happy Sugar Life: @Orange Juice and Vodka

Happy Sugar Life: @Orange Juice and Vodka

Happy Sugar Life: @Orange Juice and Vodka

Happy Sugar Life: @Orange Juice and Vodka

Happy Sugar Life: @Orange Juice and Vodka

Happy Sugar Life: @Orange Juice and Vodka

Happy Sugar Life: You stupid fuck answer me

Happy Sugar Life: I swear to god if you’ve muted this chat and are making me worry for no reason

Happy Sugar Life: @Orange Juice and Vodka Hajime!

SHSL Little Bitch: The fuck you spamming for?

Happy Sugar Life: Hajime’s dumb ass isn’t answering his damn phone

SHSL Little Bitch: He’s probably muted the chat, chill

Happy Sugar Life: I’m not gonna fucking chill

Happy Sugar Life: If he got his stupid, idiotic self jumped I’m going to kill him

Happy Sugar Life: @Orange Juice and Vodka You hear me you hypoctritical fuck? Going all “be careful” and shit and then getting shanked

SHSL Little Bitch: Aren’t you in your dorm? It’s not that fucking hard to check if he’s there

SHSL Little Bitch: Listen I don’t wanna deal with this shit, check his dorm and if he isn’t there then call Izuru, both of us know damn well about his guard dog tendencies

Happy Sugar Life: If he did end up getting his ass beat I’m gonna kill him

Happy Sugar Life: So don’t make me do that you understand @Orange Juice and Vodka

/////////////////

[Unnamed Chat, Sato Sakakura → Izuru Hinata]

Sato Sakakura: Izuru get your brother

Izuru Hinata: You believe he got jumped and since he’s not in his dorm you want me to find him, I know

Izuru Hinata: Unfortunately I do not have him microchipped so I do not know his location

Sato Sakakura: Listen here, I don’t give a shit if you’re not on good terms or whatever but he’s your damn twin brother, show some damn concern for once

Izuru Hinata: I am currently attempting to trace his phone’s location, it’s important for me to know a rough location instead of running around with no lead

Sato Sakakura: I’m fucking tired of this, just

Sato Sakakura: Just make sure he doesn’t die somewhere on the street, it’s getting dark and the snow’s picking up

Izuru Hinata: Watch yourself instead of worrying about my brother, you’re in potential danger too

Izuru Hinata: Plus I’m going to find him in about 10 seconds

Sato Sakakura: What?

[Incoming call from Hajime Pick up? or End the call? ]

“Where are you?”

/Cracking sounds/

“I…”

“Where are you?”

/Loud sounds of unknown origin/

/Coughing/

/Distorted laboured breathing/

“B-behind… the school”

/Coughing/

/Laboured breathing continues for the next few seconds/

“Stay conscious for as long as you can, I’m on my way”

/No answer from the caller/

“Where exactly are you?”

/Wheezing/

/Distorted breathing/

“B-b-behind the… Chem Lab”

“Keep looking at your surroundings, stay conscious. I’m almost there”

/Distortions continue for a few seconds/

“Who did this?”

/Answer is too muffled and distorted, could not be transcribed/

/Silence/

“Stay alive, I can see you”

/Distorted sounds come from the caller/

/Distortions get louder/

/Izuru has ended the call/

[End of transcription, Call between “Hajime” and “Izuru”, Call length: 05:47 minutes]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn I really turned this into some wannabe horror fic, don't worry everything's going to turn out fine. Plus, it was a really needed push that certain characters needed to get their shit together ;)
> 
> Iivbuesvnesugherhgseinvi I'm making this sound more dramatic than it is


	4. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izuru (Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?)  
> Chiaki (Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?)  
> Hajime (SHSL Housewife)  
> Nagito (The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret)  
> Ibuki (she S C R E A M)  
> Mikan (Nurse "I'm sorry")  
> Hiyoko (Squish squish Mahiru's sanity)  
> Mahiru (Being the mom friend is hard work)  
> Peko (PekoPekoPekoPeko)  
> Fuyuhiko (You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances)  
> Kazuichi (If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic)  
> Sonia (I for one welcome our new hamster overlord)  
> Gundham (The new hamster overlord)  
> Impostor (V is for vendetta)  
> Teruteru (Cooking Mama's pervert son)  
> Nekomaru (Oh shit…)  
> Akane (Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Threat)  
> Sato (SHSL Yandere)
> 
> Depresso Espresso and a lot of Vodka:  
> Hajime (Orange Juice and Vodka)  
> Sato (Happy Sugar Life)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Little Bitch)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which everyone learns about Hajime's condition and the Reserve Course grows darker in everyone's eyes

[Depresso Espresso and a lot of Vodka]

SHSL Little Bitch: @Happy Sugar Life How did it go?

Happy Sugar Life: I’m not sure…

Happy Sugar Life: Izuru said some cryptic shit then stopped responding to my text

Happy Sugar Life: I just hope it’s because he found him and not… you know

SHSL Little Bitch: God fucking damn it Hajime

SHSL Little Bitch: If Izuru starts to respond again tell me what he says

SHSL Little Bitch: And make sure to get some fucking rest, ok? I haven't seen you curse like that since middle school, you must be tired as all hell from all the worrying you’ve been doing

Happy Sugar Life: Yeah, thanks

SHSL Little Bitch: No problem

////////////////////////////

[Hope's Peak's staff made a huge mistake]

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: @Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind How did your spar with Sakura go?

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: Coach was right, she was stronger than I expected and I lost pretty fast, but that gets me even more pumped to train harder!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I see, I’m very glad that your determination to succeed has grown, Akane. You’re truly inspirational <3

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: Yeah! Thanks Nia <3!

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Man not only are they sending each other hearts but now Akane has given Miss Sonia a nickname

she S C R E A M: Aren’t girls just great. AHAHAHAHHAHA!

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: There you go again with the creepy laugh! It’s even worse than last time!!

she S C R E A M: :D AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Ibuki you’re scaring the crap outta me, stop that!

The new hamster overlord: Screaming Siren! The Supreme Overlord of Ice, Gundham Tanaka, demands you cease with the inappropriate demonic howling!

she S C R E A M: Ooooooooh Ibuki is seeing something heeeere, maybe she should continue!

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: NO!!!!!

The new hamster overlord: No!

she S C R E A M: CDVICWOIVHCOWHWBVSKJBVIACSIJA 

she S C R E A M: Key smashing isn’t scary is it?

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Honestly I can’t really be scared by it if I don’t even understand what it is

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: On the contrary! Fear of the unknown is a very big staple of the horror genre!

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: Hey why the hell do the dorms smell so bad?

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Probably cuz you haven’t showered after your training? Either that or Hiyoko smells like garbage again

Squish Squish Mahiru's sanity: Don’t insult me you trash fire! You smell like gross machine stuff, I bet your stench alone is contributing to global warming!!! 

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: I don’t smell right now! Miss Sonia asked me to shower so now you can’t even tell I’ve ever gone close to a machine!!

Squish Squish Mahiru's sanity: Yeah yeah simp, zip it up I’m too busy to deal with you right now

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Everyone’s flaming me…

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Akane, did you take a shower when you came back to the dorms?

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: Well yeah, coach has given me a training schedule and after every spar or fight it’s mandatory for me to shower

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Are you saying you wouldn’t shower otherwise?

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: Yeah, just like you wouldn’t shower unless Nia tells you to

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: I’m just gonna leave

she S C R E A M: I wonder what horrible thing Akane is smelling then!!!!

Cooking Mama’s Pervert Son: You have an incredible sense of smell, I’m sure you could pin down what exactly you’re smelling

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I do not like the specific words used for this sentence

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: Hold on I think I know what it is

she S C R E A M: Ibuki remembers this feeling of suspense!!!!

she S C R E A M: What is it? What is it?? What is it???

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: Oh, it’s blood

she S C R E A M: WHAAAAAAAAAAA?????!!!!!!!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Has someone perhaps injured themselves?

Nurse "I'm sorry": I-I-I-I-If that’s the case p-please rely on m-me

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: And it’s coming from

she S C R E A M: My heart cannot handle this drama! I might just have to write a song titled “Drama, Suspense and Heart Problems”

Nurse "I'm sorry": I-Ibuki! Having h-h-heart problems is v-very ser-rious!

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: It’s coming from Izuru’s room

she S C R E A M: WHOOOAAAAAA???!!?!?!!?!?!?!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Is Izuru even in his dorm? He left the building when he went offline earlier today and I haven’t seen him return

Nurse "I'm sorry": But his d-dorm smelling like b-b-blood while he isn’t there is e-even m-more concerning

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I will knock on his door to see if he’s there

she S C R E A M: I hope we don’t find Sonia murdered after!!!!!

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: I’m sure all you wonderful ultimates will overcome the despair that will come from that!

Squish Squish Mahiru's sanity: Ugh this guy, I finally thought he threw his phone down a well after the past days of not being active but nooo, he came back

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: He said he was busy, he didn’t open the door though

she S C R E A M: Maybe he’s killing someone in there?!?!

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Then I’m sure he’ll get away with it, Izuru has all talents at his disposal after all!

Squish Squish Mahiru's sanity: Don’t you just hate the noise that comes from his mouth, and I can’t even hear his damn voice!

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: I apologize for being useless trash, but I am right. Izuru could get away with murder if he really wanted to

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Hey hey, did anyone get any updates on where Hajime is? I still haven’t heard anything from him, or any updates from Sato…

she S C R E A M: No, but we know that Izuru’s dorm smells like blood and that he’s very busy in there!!

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: I see...

she S C R E A M: Could it be?! Has the brotherly disdain finally peaked over?!?!??!?!

she S C R E A M: If I wrote a song about that it would be called “Cain and Abel”

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: That’s surprisingly poetic

Squish Squish Mahiru's sanity: Oh welcome back simp

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: I picked a great time to come back…

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I think you should stop talking about murder, Ibuki

she S C R E A M: Awww and I was getting creative too

she S C R E A M: You know what, Ibuki’s gonna go write some songs while she’s feeling inspired!

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: I hope you’re successful in your writing and composing, Ibuki

she S C R E A M: Thanks, I guess!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Oh Izuru’s done, I believe

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: @The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret come to my dorm

Squish Squish Mahiru's sanity: EW EW EW EW, Don’t talk about such disgusting things while I’m here!

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: @The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret My brother is unconscious there, I need to get some things to further treat his wounds and you’re going to watch him until I get back

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: As much as I don’t want to argue with an ultimate, why don’t you pick someone else Izuru?

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: Because most of this class is afraid of you and won’t attempt anything while you’re there, because you will do as I say and because I know something you don’t

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: How mysterious… I’ll be on my way then

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: You said he was injured? Is it serious? Why is he injured? Is he going to be ok?

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: It seems Chiaki asks a lot of questions when she’s excited or worried, but I am concerned for Hajime’s well being as well

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: I found him beaten up and lying in the snow behind the reserve course school building an hour and thirty seven minutes ago, he’s got a broken leg, two broken fingers, a broken nose, and several deep cuts and bruises. He lost some blood by the time I got to him but not on any too dangerous level. He had trouble breathing and speaking, most likely caused by someone stomping/hitting/kicking him in the chest several times, this is supported by the large number of big bruises on his chest and throat. He passed out almost as soon as I got to him and will stay unconscious until sometime tomorrow late afternoon/night

Squish Squish Mahiru's sanity: That’s a whole essay! No way I’m reading that!

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Oh… I’ll tell Sato and Natsumi right now… since they’re probably not going to see it here...

You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances: What the fuck?! What the fuck has he been doing to get that beaten up?!

PekoPekoPekoPeko: This is truly unfortunate, I wish him a fast recovery.

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Damn… Why would anyone do that?

Nurse "I'm sorry": I-I-I can assist!

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: There is no need, I will tend to his injuries myself

Nurse "I'm sorry": M-My of-f-ffer still stands, i-if you need it!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Oh dear… for someone to be so cruel and to that to another person…

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Izuru, do you know who or why this happened?

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: For the past two weeks and a half there have been cases of Reserve Course students getting violently beaten and left in random parts of the school campus. All cases have happened after school has ended, to students who were going home/to the dormitory and by other Reserve Course students

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: It is unknown which student/s have been the assailant/s in each case since there are no cameras in and around the Reserve Course campus. My brother was not conscious enough to give me details either.

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: I will not be explaining any longer, @The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret you’re dismissed

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: I see

Being the mom friend is hard work: That is so awful, oh my god… I

Squish Squish Mahiru's sanity: Mahiruuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, the Reserve Course is so awfuuuuuuuul, they beat up big brother Hajimeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: I sent everything to Natsumi and Sato, they aren’t online though…

Being the mom friend is hard work: I know Sato doesn’t usually stay up this late but I’m going to call her, I have to make sure she’s ok

PekoPekoPekoPeko: Natsumi’s at home right now

You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances: She better not get herself killed in that damn Reserve Course! Fuck that stupid hell place and everything it fucking stands for!

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Hey Nagito, you saw Hajime right? How was he?

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Sleeping

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: He looked better than one would expect, with all the injuries Izuru described. Then again he did get help from an Ultimate.

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: @Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents? When can we see him?

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: When he wakes up

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: @The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret You will be required to watch him again tonight, as I have a couple of matters to attend to

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: I’m so happy that scum like me is finally useful. Hajime should be grateful too, he’s being freed from that hopeless place, if only for a couple of days

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: I don’t think it’ll be only a couple of days…

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Either way I’ll text Miss Yukizome, she should be informed about this kind of situation… I think

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Just make sure to go to bed right after, Chiaki. I know that you must be very tired and you don’t sleep well.

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Thanks, I will

////////////////////////

[Depresso Espresso and a lot of Vodka]

SHSL Little Bitch: @Happy Sugar Life You got a call too?

Happy Sugar Life: Yeah, Mahiru seemed really concerned and afraid… I don’t want her to feel like that

SHSL Little Bitch: My brother was worried out of his mind as well… He’s stupid as hell, telling me I’ve grown all soft an shit

Happy Sugar Life: I assume you’ve read Chiaki’s texts

SHSL Little Bitch: Yeah, read through the chat too. That damn dumbass, he managed to get us and an entire main course class worried for him

SHSL Little Bitch: I can almost imagine his reaction when he comes back, he’s gonna be all like “I’m sorry for making you worry” and when someone tells him to get more rest he’s gonna say “I can’t I’ve missed out on so much schoolwork” like the dumbass he is

Happy Sugar Life: You know he can read this chat right? 

SHSL Little Bitch: Yeah, perfect time for him to be a little more self aware

Happy Sugar Life: I don’t think he’s gonna be focusing on that, since you and I both saw who is going to be watching him until he wakes up

SHSL Little Bitch: @Orange Juice and Vodka Get some of that microwaved soap ass!

Happy Sugar Life: LMAO

Happy Sugar Life: Even Izuru got sick of their constant pining

SHSL Little Bitch: Although I think Nagito started hating the general Reserve Course population even more

Happy Sugar Life: I agree with him on that, as much as I don’t want to, sometimes I feel like us three are the only people with actual personality in the entire school

SHSL Little Bitch: That’s exactly what it is, we ARE the only people with personalities here

Happy Sugar Life: It is getting late though, I might just fulfill that promise I made earlier

SHSL Little Bitch: Hell yeah you will, leave Hajime to Nagito. Who knows maybe Izuru will walk in on something and they’ll have a threesome

Happy Sugar Life: Ew, lmao. That’s disgusting.

SHSL Little Bitch: I know that’s why I said it

SHSL Little Bitch: Sweet dreams bitch

Happy Sugar Life: After that comment they’re not going to be

SHSL Little Bitch: Lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I make my summaries dramatic as fuck for no reason lmao. I could have added another part to this chapter which got darker but I remembered that this was supposed to be a chill fic where nothing much happens so I decided to cut it.
> 
> There are going to be a lot of scenes which are going to be only hinted at and not shown (Like Natsumi and Chiaki's pokemon talk or Nagito looking after Hajime, even Izuru finding Hajime or Hajime calling Izuru all from his POV) so if anyone wants to see those scenes please comment and I'll write them for you.


	5. Birthday!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nagito's more active in DMs and Ibuki's birthday brings people together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Izuru (Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?)  
> Chiaki (Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?)  
> Hajime (SHSL Housewife)  
> Nagito (The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret)  
> Ibuki (she S C R E A M)  
> Mikan (Nurse "I'm sorry")  
> Hiyoko (Squish squish Mahiru's sanity)  
> Mahiru (Being the mom friend is hard work)  
> Peko (PekoPekoPekoPeko)  
> Fuyuhiko (You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances)  
> Kazuichi (If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic)  
> Sonia (I for one welcome our new hamster overlord)  
> Gundham (The new hamster overlord)  
> Impostor (V is for vendetta)  
> Teruteru (Cooking Mama's pervert son)  
> Nekomaru (Oh shit…)  
> Akane (Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Threat)  
> Sato (SHSL Yandere)
> 
> Depresso Espresso and a lot of Vodka:  
> Hajime (Orange Juice and Vodka)  
> Sato (Happy Sugar Life)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Little Bitch)

[Unnamed chat Nagito Komaeda (Forbidden Romance) → Chiaki Nanami (Gaymer Girl <3)]

Forbidden Romance: [Forbidden Romance sent a photo]

Alter Ego: This is an automated message! Image Description: "A boy with brown hair is lying down on a bed with multiple bandages on his face, neck and chest." End of image description!

Gaymer Girl <3: I'm glad Izuru was able to find him on time

Forbidden Romance: The snow hasn't stopped falling since late this evening, a lot of unfortunate things could have happened to him if he was left lying out in the open for any longer

Gaymer Girl <3: Well you'll be able to take good care of him… I think

Forbidden Romance: I would never betray the trust of the Ultimate Hope

Gaymer Girl <3: You know that's not what I meant

Forbidden Romance: I don't agree with what you're trying to imply. I have been keeping distance and yet my luck has almost killed him.

Gaymer Girl <3: So it was what I thought huh…

Gaymer Girl <3: This kind of thing in the Reserve Course has been happening for more than a week now, as far as I can tell your luck doesn't create those kinds of scenarios… I think

Forbidden Romance: Still, I don't think I should do something like that, I'm relatively sure he hates me anyway. Who wouldn't? After all I'm useless trash that puts down people

Gaymer Girl <3: Nagito…

Gaymer Girl <3: I really think that isn't the case. I mean even Izuru is attempting to get you to closer together

Forbidden Romance: Chiaki, I know I'm speaking out of turn but I very much doubt that

Gaymer Girl <3: You really need facts to get you to believe something, huh? In that way you're very alike

Gaymer Girl <3: [Gaymer Girl <3 sent a photo]

Alter Ego: This is an automated message! Image Description: "A screenshot of a chat, the messages say: Chiaki Nanami: I would have thought to send Mikan in this case… Izuru Hinata: She is clumsy, I would not be surprised if she stumbled and somehow managed to kill him. Izuru Hinata: In any case I must admit that seeing how both of them act is getting annoying, I have grown to dislike this emotion so I'm going to do something about it myself if they won't." End of image description!

Forbidden Romance: You could have taken that out of context

Gaymer Girl <3: Nagito…

Forbidden Romance: Alright, I admit this defence is getting kind of pathetic. But even so, I wouldn't know what to do if I approached him. Worthless scum like me have no experience in such a situation.

Gaymer Girl <3: Hmm…

Gaymer Girl <3: After me and Natsumi talked a little about Pokemon she asked me out on a coffee date, I assume that's what you're supposed to do.

Forbidden Romance: Ah… So mingling between the two courses is not uncommon

Gaymer Girl <3: >:( you should word that better

Gaymer Girl <3: But I'm sure he will accept so you shouldn't worry. You do have to wait for him to get better, or Izuru might do something to you.

Forbidden Romance: Ah, such hopeful familial relations!

//////////////////////////

[Hope's Peak's staff made a huge mistake]

Being the mom friend is hard work: How was everyone's weekend?

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Horrible! Since you kept that green haired cow in your dorm!

Being the mom friend is hard work: Hiyoko, it's dangerous for her to stay in her dorm, you know that

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Yeah, but now you won't pay any attention to meeeeeeeeee

SHSL Yandere: I'm too emotionally exhausted to argue with you

SHSL Threat: Same honestly

PekoPekoPekoPeko: I believe everybody has been feeling grey, Natsumi

Being the mom friend is hard work: How was your weekend, Peko?

PekoPekoPekoPeko: My young Master instructed me to keep Natsumi safe, she did not go anywhere during the weekend so we played games on her PS4.

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: You should join me and Natsumi when we're playing, Peko!

PekoPekoPekoPeko: Thank you, I shall join you some time

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Ah, I see Hajime has gone online. Izuru sure is amazing in his nursing skills

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: How are you feeling?

SHSL Housewife: I feel braindead honestly

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Cuz you are!

Being the mom friend is hard work: Hiyoko…

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I am glad that you are alright, however. You really had us very worried.

SHSL Threat: You hear that punk? Wackass motherfucker, got himself beat and worried an entire class

SHSL Yandere: It might be best for you to find somewhere else to stay

SHSL Housewife: Same goes for you, you know

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: That cannot happen, because neither of you have enough money for rent, if you decide to move into an apartment

SHSL Housewife: Oh don’t remind me, I don’t wanna think about how even though I work every day I still barely have enough money for everything and

SHSL Threat: And?

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: He just realized that while he was drifting in and out of consciousness he missed school on Friday and work on Friday and Saturday

SHSL Housewife: And because Izuru has put me on bedrest for however the fuck long I’m gonna miss more shit

SHSL Housewife: Oh fuck my life, I’m going back to sleep

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: Have a pleasant sleep, brother

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Did I just miss my Soul friend’s return???? Damn

SHSL Yandere: Your what?

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Soul friend

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: I’ve never heard this version of soulmate before…

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Not soulmate, Soul friend AKA purely platonic

SHSL Threat: I’ve never heard this version of “I have only one person who tolerates me so I’ve put him on a pedestal”

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: That’s a little mean, Natsumi

SHSL Threat: Sorry, sorry, I have heard another version of that and it’s “Worthless Reserve Course student”

SHSL Yandere: Lmaooo

////////////////////////////

[Unnamed chat Nagito Komaeda (Forbidden Romance) → Chiaki Nanami (Gaymer Girl <3)]

Gaymer Girl <3: You missed your opportunity to talk to him

Forbidden Romance: Ahaha, fitting for someone as worthless as me

Gaymer Girl <3: >:(

Gaymer Girl <3: You can still talk to him in DMs, you know. I’m sure the privacy will be more comforting… I guess

Forbidden Romance: I never thought that I would be getting love advice from such an amazing Ultimate!

/////////////////////////////////

[Hope's Peak's staff made a huge mistake]

she S C R E A M: Ibuki is seeing so much romance today!! It’s November 27th so it’s a bit early for Valentines day you guys!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: That reminds me, Happy Birthday Ibuki! I hope you have a wonderful day today!

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Happy Birthday Ibuki!

Being the mom friend is hard work: Happy Birthday!

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Happy Birth

SHSL Threat: Happy Spawn Day, Glowstick

SHSL Yandere: Happy Birthday!

she S C R E A M: Ibuki wasn’t expecting so many birthday wishes!!!

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: They better save them for the surprise party they’re going to throw you

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: It would be really unfortunate if you found out about it, Ibuki

SHSL Threat: God you’re such an ass, no wonder you and Hajime are twins

she S C R E A M: No one has ever thrown Ibuki a party before!!!!!!! I don’t care if it’s not a surprise anymore, I can’t wait, thank you guyssss!!!!!!

Being the mom friend is hard work: Seems like she’s still in good spirits

SHSL Housewife: Happy Birthday, Ibuki

she S C R E A M: Are you gonna come to the party???

SHSL Housewife: Probably not, unfortunately

she S C R E A M: Fear not Hajime! Ibuki is so happy that her friends planned a party for her that she’s unstoppable! She will beat Izuru and free you out of the tower, I mean his dorm! Ahahahahaaha! Ibuki is so happy she has become a knight!!

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Happy Birthday but damn, you should chill

Nurse "I'm sorry": H-How much s-s-sugar have you had today, I-Ibuki?

she S C R E A M: A lot!!!!!!!!

Nurse "I'm sorry": Th-th-th-that is very much n-not healthy!!! I-I-I will make sure th-that your diet i-is more balanced f-fr-from now on!

she S C R E A M: Ibuki couldn’t have asked for a better present!

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: Sleep it off, Ibuki. Hajime will come to your party

SHSL Housewife: Is this true? Am I seeing growth in my little brother?

Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?: Due to Ibuki’s friendly nature she will most likely invite Nagito, who is only tolerable when you are around

SHSL Housewife: Sure Izzy, I totally believed you

SHSL Threat: IZZY, OH MY GOD

SHSL Yandere: @Being the mom friend is hard work @SHSL Threat @SHSL Housewife Pray for me for this is the day I die

[SHSL Yandere has changed Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?’s nickname to Izzy Izzalea]

Izzy Izzalea: I regret ever touching a phone

SHSL Threat: This is the best day of my life

//////////////////////////////////////

[Nagito Komaeda would like to send you a message Block? or Cancel ]

[You have decided to keep seeing messages from Nagito Komaeda, now you can see any photos and videos this user sends]

[Unnamed chat Nagito Komaeda → Hajime Hinata]

Nagito Komaeda: Strange how this is the first time I text you since we first met

Hajime Hinata: The way you worded that makes it sounds like you’re lamenting on our past while sitting next to my death bed

Nagito Komaeda: I wonder… would you allow me to come talk to you in your final moments?

Hajime Hinata: Sure, maybe hearing your weird ramblings would give me enough energy to persist after death. Maybe I’ll even come haunt you after

Nagito Komaeda: Hmmm… and when I die, what would you do then?

Hajime Hinata: You’re weirdly keen on this topic… I would probably make you a ghost too, somehow, so I can pester you for the weird things you said in my final moments

Nagito Komaeda: An eternal existence with Hajime, huh? I wonder what kind of luck that would be

Nagito Komaeda: Unfortunately for that scenario you aren’t dying

Hajime Hinata: There’s always tomorrow

Nagito Komaeda: I’ve never heard you self-deprecate, am I a bad influence?

Hajime Hinata: As long as you don’t bash my existence as a Reserve Course student you’re fine

Hajime Hinata: Right now I feel like I can stand any weird shit you say, maybe even your crazy hope speeches

Hajime Hinata: Although I may still be feeling a little mellow from the shit Izuru gave me

Hajime Hinata: Speaking of, you’re not insulting me every second text, did you inhale too much of that stuff while you were here?

Nagito Komaeda: Ah, so Izuru told you?

Hajime Hinata: Of course, if he didn’t tell me about a guy watching me in my sleep I would have smacked him really hard

Nagito Komaeda: Ahaha, it does sound weird when you explain it like that, doesn’t it?

Hajime Hinata: It does, you’re avoiding my question though

Nagito Komaeda: Hmmm… how should I explain it?

Nagito Komaeda: You, Natsumi and Sato are here to stay, it’s a blatantly obvious fact. The rest of the reserve course are feral, despairing animals that attack their own kind instead of using themselves to help the Ultimates’ hope shine.

Nagito Komaeda: With those two facts layed on the table I decided to make peace with... reminding you of your place. You three are better than the rest of them, but are still talentless.

Hajime Hinata: Ugh, I’m not mentally aware enough to try and understand what you said

Nagito Komaeda: How about this, you three are better than the rest of them, but are still talentless, which is why I’ll stop reminding you of your place at the bottom of the food chain. Your presence helps class 77’s hope shine anyway, which is why I can make peace with treating you “kindly” as Chiaki said

Nagito Komaeda: Is this a better explanation for you?

Hajime Hinata: Yeah, no. My brain’s still a fog so you’re not entirely to blame this time

Hajime Hinata: I do want to understand you better though, so I’ll try again when my stops being annoying white noise

Nagito Komaeda: Wow! No one has ever called me interesting before!

Hajime Hinata: You’re way too excited for this

Nagito Komaeda: It does seem a little bland in here, doesn’t it?

Hajime Hinata: ???

Hajime Hinata: Oh, you mean the nicknames, right?

Nagito Komaeda: Mhm

Hajime Hinata: Uhh, I’ll do yours you do mine?

Nagito Komaeda: Hmmm… sure

[Nagito Komaeda has changed Hajime Hinata’s nickname to Neon Genesis Evangelion]

[Neon Genesis Evangelion has changed Nagito Komaeda’s name to Explosion!]

Neon Genesis Evangelion: I don’t understand why you chose this

Explosion!: One of the Kanji in your name means genesis, doesn’t it? It reminded me of that show, I used to watch it a lot as a kid

Neon Genesis Evangelion: Huh, that’s actually pretty clever, makes me a little embarrassed with what I chose

Explosion!: Isn’t this also an anime reference? From that one anime Chiaki talks about all the time?

Neon Genesis Evangelion: It wasn’t originally but I remembered it so I decided might at well

Neon Genesis Evangelion: For real though, it’s concerning how many times I’ve seen explosions happen around you

Explosion!: Wow! No one has ever expressed concern about me!

Neon Genesis Evangelion: I’m starting to feel very sad for you

Neon Genesis Evangelion: By the way, you’re going to Ibuki’s party right

Explosion!: Ibuki is really selfless, inviting scum like me to her celebration. On one hand I should honor her by coming, on the other I would probably ruin the party with my luck

Neon Genesis Evangelion: I doubt the latter will happen, Izuru will be there and his luck will most likely cancel yours out, I think?

Explosion!: Ibuki will most likely be playing her music though, and as selfish as it sounds, I can’t really stand loud places

Explosion!: Maybe I’m just making excuses, like the ungrateful trash bag that I am

Neon Genesis Evangelion: ...I doubt it. I think you should go, because Ibuki invited you, and if it gets too loud you can always leave

Explosion!: Going to a beautiful social gathering, standing in a corner and leaving, perfect for useless trash like me!

Neon Genesis Evangelion: Alright that’s a bit too much self-deprecation for now, I’ll go with you anyway so it’ll be fine

Neon Genesis Evangelion: If you get startled by something loud I’ll let you cling to me

Neon Genesis Evangelion: Jk jk

Explosion!: …

Explosion!: Unless…?

Explosion!: You’re bold, Hajime, but you managed to convince me. Just so you know, I will take you up on that offer

Neon Genesis Evangelion: See you there, I guess

Explosion!: Hmmm… Yeah, see you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oop, it took four chapters and Hajime getting his soul beaaten out of him for those two to finally talk to eachother. I don't think I can keep up the slowburn (which if I'm honest is actually medium burn but whatever) so their relationship is gonna move quicker now
> 
> Or maybe I'm lying, who knows, I sure don't


	6. Gay oranges are real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things happen way too fast for Hajime's brian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Izuru (Gee Izuru, how come Atua lets you have all talents?)  
> Chiaki (Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?)  
> Hajime (SHSL Housewife)  
> Nagito (The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret)  
> Ibuki (she S C R E A M)  
> Mikan (Nurse "I'm sorry")  
> Hiyoko (Squish squish Mahiru's sanity)  
> Mahiru (Being the mom friend is hard work)  
> Peko (PekoPekoPekoPeko)  
> Fuyuhiko (You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances)  
> Kazuichi (If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic)  
> Sonia (I for one welcome our new hamster overlord)  
> Gundham (The new hamster overlord)  
> Impostor (V is for vendetta)  
> Teruteru (Cooking Mama's pervert son)  
> Nekomaru (Oh shit…)  
> Akane (Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Threat)  
> Sato (SHSL Yandere)
> 
> Depresso Espresso and a lot of Vodka:  
> Hajime (Orange Juice and Vodka)  
> Sato (Happy Sugar Life)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Little Bitch)

[Hope's Peak's staff made a huge mistake]

SHSL Threat: How was this party tamer than the ones in the Reserve Course and wilder at the same time

she S C R E A M: That's just Ibuki's charm!

You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances: Since when have you been going to parties? 

You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances: And with those bastards no less!

SHSL Threat: Watch out, an overprotective brother on the horizon!

SHSL Threat: I went like twice with Hajime and Sato, chill

SHSL Threat: We didn't even drink that much

You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances: Excuse me bitch?

SHSL Threat: Suddenly I have realized I'm gonna die

SHSL Threat: Jk Jk, you should chill a bit brother, else you're gonna start looking like Izuru "Guard dog" Hinata over here

SHSL Yandere: Speaking of, @SHSL Housewife you're doomed, Izuru's already seen her message

SHSL Housewife: Huh?

SHSL Yandere: Don't huh me, I'm trying to warn you of your death

SHSL Housewife: Why would Izuru kill me?

SHSL Threat: Are you braindead?

Izzy Izzalea: I have given him strong painkillers, the unnecessary movement from last night has reopened some of his wounds

she S C R E A M: @SHSL Housewife I'm sorry :(

SHSL Housewife: It's fine

You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances: Back on the important topic, you three realize that not only is underage drinking illegal, it's also harmful as hell?!

Nurse “I’m sorry”: H-He's right! Underage drinking c-can c-c-cause brain damage, a-among other th-things!

SHSL Threat: Get off my back god damn, I said we didn't even drink that much! Also Mikan you always appear when someone could be hurt, get a damn personality besides being a nurse would ya?!

Nurse “I’m sorry”: I-I-I-I'm sorry!!!!

SHSL Yandere: And here we have the allusive Natsumi, she is currently expressing her defense mechanism, which scientists have called "Insulting random people when threatened"

SHSL Threat: I know where you live

SHSL Yandere: :P

PekoPekoPekoPeko: Natsumi, could I ask, what exactly did you drink?

SHSL Threat: I don't fucking remember, it was like two months ago

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: You should remember vaguely… I think.

SHSL Threat: Ugh, probably about two shots of vodka, three shots of whiskey, one third of a medium sized bottle of white wine and a shot of fireball, that's everything combined from the two parties I attended

You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances: That's still too much, god damn you! 

SHSL Threat: :P

Izzy Izzalea: @SHSL Threat how much did my brother drink?

Being the mom friend is hard work: I would like to know about Sato too

SHSL Threat: I'm not their fucking secretary, ask them

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: I think it's good for them to know about something like that… probably

SHSL Threat: Fucking

SHSL Yandere: Whipped

SHSL Threat: Eat shit and die

SHSL Threat: Sato drank 3 shots of fireball, 2 shots of whiskey, one shot of Bacardi and a third of a medium sized bottle of white wine

SHSL Threat: Hajime drank the rest of that medium sized bottle of white wine, 3 shots of Vodka, one shot of Patrón and half a shot of Absinthe, cuz the bottle was small and there want a lot

SHSL Housewife: When did I do that?

SHSL Yandere: Two months ago

SHSL Housewife: I don't remember?

SHSL Yandere: Unicorns, unicorns everywhere

SHSL Housewife: Ooooh, I remember now

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Absinthe isn't healthy for you Hajime, neither is alcohol in general

SHSL Threat replied to SHSL Yandere: Lmaoooooo

she S C R E A M: Isn't Absinthe that one green drink that makes you see funny things??

Izzy Izzalea: Yes, but the amount that my brother has consumed is not enough to cause such effects

she S C R E A M: Izuru is more active now! A miracle!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I would hate to interrupt, but I would like to inquire about something

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: What is it?

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Since it has been established that the Reserve Course dorms are unsafe for Hajime and Sato, I would like to propose a solution for this problem

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: If Sato and Hajime, and perhaps Natsumi, if she's feeling unsafe, stayed in one of our dorms for a while, or until they have enough money to rent an apartment, then this particular trouble will be solved

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I don't know who would stay with who thought…

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Natsumi could stay with me or Peko, if she wanted…

SHSL Threat: Suddenly I am packing my luggage

SHSL Threat: Chiaki, you'll see I'm an amazing roommate

You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances: She's lying

SHSL Threat: Shut the hell your mouth

Izzy Izzalea: My brother is staying in my room for the time being

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Unfortunately for Hajime he doesn't have a choice

SHSL Housewife: I don't? Really?

Izzy Izzalea: No, you don't

SHSL Housewife: Bummer

Being the mom friend is hard work: Sato can keep staying with me, she's been a great roommate so I don't mind

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Fucking hell!

Being the mom friend is hard work: You can come have a sleepover with us Hiyoko, it would be good for you to get to know each other more

she S C R E A M: A sleepover!!! Can Ibuki come?!??

Being the mom friend is hard work: Sure, we can make it a girl's night

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: I'll bring my console, we can play something together

SHSL Threat: Sure, let's see if you can keep me entertained

she S C R E A M: Ibuki will make a group chat!! One second!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHSL Yandere: That's too much…

///////////////////////

[Unnamed Chat Nagito Komaeda (Explosion!) → Hajime Hinata (Neon Genesis Evangelion)]

Explosion!: Such good luck for you, Hajime! Izuru was dragged off by the girls so they could braid his hair!

Neon Genesis Evangelion: I pity whoever has to brush his hair

Explosion!: He did see me in the hall and asked me to keep you company

Neon Genesis Evangelion: I can see his character development already

Explosion!: Makes me wonder what both of you were like when you were younger

Neon Genesis Evangelion: I'll tell you when you come, it's getting kind of difficult to type

Explosion!: You seem to like keeping me in suspense, Hajime

Neon Genesis Evangelion: Sure…

////////////////////////

[Depresso Espresso and a lot of Vodka]

[Happy Sugar Life has changed Orange Juice and Vodka's nickname to Gay oranges are real]

[Happy Sugar Life has changed the chat name to We do be dating Ultimates tho]

Happy Sugar Life: The time has come

SHSL Little Bitch: I thought it would take longer, and I certainly didn't expect it to happen all in the same night

Gay oranges are real: I still don't understand what exactly happened

SHSL Little Bitch: What kind of drugs is Izuru giving you?

Gay oranges are real: No clue

Happy Sugar Life: So basically while Sonia was trying to brush Izuru's hair we decided to play spin the bottle, things happened, Natsumi kissed Chiaki, me and Mahiru kissed as well and when we were spinning the bottle, it landed on Izuru's phone, he called you and Natsumi, who was the one that spun, dared you to kiss Nagito

Happy Sugar Life: Then you, in what I assume is a drug induced haze, kissed Nagito and the call ended

Gay oranges are real: Huh

SHSL Little Bitch: I don't know if all of this shit was caused by Nagito's luck and I certainly don't care but this is legit the happiest I've ever been

Gay oranges are real: Where even is Izuru?

SHSL Little Bitch: Sonia couldn't tame his hair so she said she won't let him leave until she could braid it nicely

Gay oranges are real: Alright so I lost my first kiss to Nagito and we're going to have a DIY coffee date in my brother's dorm room tommorow. All of this while I'm delirious from Izuru's magic fucking medicine

Happy Sugar Life: It do be like that sometimes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda short, I know, but a bitch has to deal with online classes somehow
> 
> Next chapter: Time skip, Class 77 are now third years and the Protagonist's and Antagonist's chats are established


	7. Welcome in the first years!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the new first years come into Hope's Peak and some new groups have formed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Izuru (Izzy Izzalea)  
> Chiaki (Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?)  
> Hajime (SHSL Housewife/Child Caregiver)  
> Nagito (The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret)  
> Ibuki (she S C R E A M)  
> Mikan (Nurse "I'm sorry")  
> Hiyoko (Squish squish Mahiru's sanity)  
> Mahiru (Being the mom friend is hard work)  
> Peko (PekoPekoPekoPeko)  
> Fuyuhiko (You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances)  
> Kazuichi (If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic)  
> Sonia (I for one welcome our new hamster overlord)  
> Gundham (The new hamster overlord)  
> Impostor (V is for vendetta)  
> Teruteru (Cooking Mama's pervert son)  
> Nekomaru (Oh shit…)  
> Akane (Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Threat)  
> Sato (SHSL Yandere)
> 
> Ahogays for days:  
> Makoto (Protect the egg)  
> Hajime (And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE)  
> Komaru (Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo)  
> Toko (Scissors, yeah that's about it)  
> Kaede (Depussy)  
> Shuichi (I have detected that I'm gay)
> 
> Fellas, is it gay to suck the protagonist's ahoge?:  
> Byakuya (Money Money Money)  
> Nagito (Money Money Money but with 100% more arson)  
> Genocider Syo (A tongue any lesbian would love)  
> Miu (Anna Nishikinomiya from Shimoneta)  
> Kokichi (It's a Lie! Or is it?)

[Hope's Peak's staff made a huge mistake]

she S C R E A M: WHO’S READY TO WELCOME THE NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nurse "I'm sorry": Pl-Pl-Please don’t cons-s-sume too much s-sugar at th-th-this time, Ibuki

she S C R E A M: Of course! Anything for the cute nurse!

V is for Vendetta: Don’t scare them too much, you tend to get overwhelmingly enthusiastic over things like this

she S C R E A M: They’re ganging up on meeee!!! Izuru help!

Izzy Izzalea: They are right, about your sugar intake and your enthusiasm

she S C R E A M: Ah! Three on one!!! Hajime, my favourite band member, help Ibuki!

SHSL Housewife: I’m not in your band, just listen to what Mikan says and don’t accidentally maul the first years 

she S C R E A M: Four hit KO!!!!!

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Ignoring an Ultimate’s cry for help? Not cool Hajime

SHSL Housewife: Why are you picking on me out of the four of us?

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: As your partner I am allowed to pick on you, no? Chiaki told me so

SHSL Yandere: Don’t listen to Chiaki’s dating advice, she is dating Natsumi

SHSL Threat: That’s literally the best decision she could have made

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Or buying Stardew Valley, that’s a close second

SHSL Threat: I’m not even mad

SHSL Yandere: Coming from you that’s huge

SHSL Threat: Shut your fuck up <3

SHSL Yandere: No <3

SHSL Yandere: By the way, do any of you think there’ll be more people like Hajime and Makoto with that weird ass antenna thing

SHSL Housewife: Makoto’s sister has one too, she won’t be attending though

Izzy Izzalea: There are two people, the SHSL Detective and the SHSL Pianist

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: I thought the SHSL Detective was Kyoko Kirigiri?

Izzy Izzalea: She is

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: ...then there can’t be another SHSL Detective 

Izzy Izzalea: There can

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: ??????? I’m so confused

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Not that Izuru would need useless trash like me to confirm but there is in fact a second SHSL Detective

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: His name is Shuichi Saihara, he earned his Ultimate title by solving a very old and notorious cold case

SHSL Threat: The Ultimate fanboy at it again

SHSL Yandere: Kinda ironic that he’s dating Hajime tho

SHSL Housewife: Shhhhhh

Izzy Izzalea: He does have a SHSL talent

SHSL Housewife: Yeah yeah, SHSL Housewife, very funny

[Izzy Izzalea has changed SHSL Housewife’s nickname to SHSL Child Caregiver]

SHSL Child Caregiver: What’s with you?

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Excuse my intrusion but isn’t that the title of one of the first years?

Izzy Izzalea: No

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: I don’t believe the forums to be mistaken

Izzy Izzalea: Officially they’re right, but they’re actually wrong

SHSL Yandere: Well yes but actually no, Izuru edition

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: It’s natural for the Ultimate Hope to know more than scum like me 

SHSL Child Caregiver: @The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret Stop with the self-deprecation for five minutes please? I’ve been waiting outside your dorm for so long 

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Hmmm… I suppose I should hurry then

Izzy Izzalea: Whipped

SHSL Threat: How many months have passed and you still call it his dorm even though you both live there

SHSL Child Caregiver: Shhhhhhh

she S C R E A M: YOU GUYS! I CAN SEE THEM!!!!!! LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOO!

Nurse "I'm sorry": P-please don’t run too fast or I m-m-m-m-might trip beh-hind you

V is for Vendetta: I’ll catch you since I don’t feel like running after her

Nurse "I'm sorry": Th-th-thank you

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Hajime please go and help Nagito put on his pants, or whatever he’s doing, so we can go and see the first years as a group

SHSL Child Caregiver: No?????????

SHSL Threat: Chiaki lmaoooooooooo, I fucking love you so much

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: <3

////////////////////////////////////////////////////

[Makoto Naegi has added Komaru Naegi, Hajime Hinata, Kaede Akamatsu and one more to the chat]

Makoto Naegi: Ahoges!

Komaru Naegi: Ahoges!!

Kaede Akamatsu: Ahoges!!!

Hajime Hinata: Ahoges

Shuichi Saihara: Ahoges…?

Komaru Naegi: It’s time for my amazing naming abilities to shine!

[Komaru Naegi has changed Komaru Naegi’s nickname to Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo]

[Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo has added Toko Fukawa to the chat]

[Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo has changed five nicknames]

[Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo has changed the chat’s name to Ahogays for days]

Scissors, yeah that's about it: Omaru why the hell am I here

Scissors, yeah that's about it: And what’s with this awful nickname

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: Because that purple haired guy said he’s gonna add Syo to their chat

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: I couldn’t think of anything better, srry :P

Scissors, yeah that's about it: It’s fine, as long as you write properly

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: What do you mean by “their chat”?

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: … Appropriate nickname

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: Thanks! 

I have detected that I'm gay: That purple haired guy is Kokichi, he made a groupchat consisting of himself, Miu (both of them are in our class, by the way), Byakuya, Syo and Nagito, I believe

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: I feel the headache already

Depussy: I don’t think it’ll be that bad, our class moved to the dorms a few days ago and beside being a little vulgar the two of them are fine

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: After the fifth explosion you learn to sense these kinds of situations

Depussy: Explosions??????

Protect the egg: Uh, kinda?

Scissors, yeah that's about it: More like exactly, I’m not surprised that the entirety of class 77-B is insane

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: You haven’t seen nothing yet

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: Oh! Oh! I have an idea!

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: Makoto, you remember game night right? What if we did that too?!

Scissors, yeah that's about it: No

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: C’mon pleaseee, you can pick the game

Scissors, yeah that's about it: Nojsphvdpsahvpaohva

Scissors, yeah that's about it: FUCK YEAH! I can pick the game right?!

Depussy: What happened??

Protect the egg: Toko has a split personality, her other persona is Genocider Syo

Depussy: The serial killer?! Is that really okay?

I have detected that I'm gay: I figured, since Komaru said the name Syo earlier…

Protect the egg replied to Depussy: I suppose it’s ok... 

Scissors, yeah that's about it: Stop yapping Big Mac! I’ve thought up a game you and miss Morose can play

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: What is it??

Scissors, yeah that's about it: STRIP POKER!!!!!

Protect the egg: I’m so glad Taka isn’t here

I have detected that I'm gay: None of us know how to play poker though…

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: I do, unfortunately

Scissors, yeah that's about it: Hell yeah! Helium pulling through!

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: Helium…

Depussy: Where did you learn, Hajime?

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: My brother taught me because he was bored, we play occasionally so he can flex

Protect the egg: Figures…

Scissors, yeah that's about it: Alright TV Antennas, go arrange yourselves a date to get naked, I’m gonna check out this new chat I’ve been added in!

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: …

Protect the egg: …

Depussy: …

I have detected that I'm gay: …

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: Every Sunday?

Protect the egg: Sure

///////////////////////////////////////

[Kokichi Ouma has added Nagito Komaeda, Byakuya Togami, Toko Fukawa and two others to the chat]

[Kokichi Ouma has changed the chat’s name to Fellas, is it gay to suck the protagonist's ahoge?]

[Kokichi Ouma has changed Kokichi Ouma’s nickname to It's a Lie! Or is it?]

[It's a Lie! Or is it? has changed five nicknames]

It's a Lie! Or is it?: Welcome Ahoge Suckers!

Money Money Money but with 100% more arson: I feel so honored to be in yet another chat with wonderful Ultimates

Anna Nishikinomiya from Shimoneta: Can’t you go die in a dumpster or something you purple haired fleshlight?!

Money Money Money: I didn’t think I had more brain cells to lose, turns out I was wrong

Anna Nishikinomiya from Shimoneta: Shut the fuck up glasses bitch!

Anna Nishikinomiya from Shimoneta: And what the fuck is up with this anime fucking name?!

It's a Lie! Or is it?: Go beg on your knees in front of Tsumugi and maybe she’ll tell you

Anna Nishikinomiya from Shimoneta: Ucodchdcacdjkvgskdcajkfbafb

Money Money Money but with 100% more arson: Ah, I remember the first time I told Hajime to kneel and lick my shoes

It's a Lie! Or is it?: Speaking of my dad, I’m gonna need to list your local protags 

It's a Lie! Or is it?: AKA people you’d like to [CENSORED BY ALTER EGO, REASON: That’s way too vulgar, please say sex instead of writing something like that]

Money Money Money but with 100% more arson: I never knew that was a feature, Chihiro is so clever, thinking of adding something like this too…

Money Money Money: Why did god curse me like this…

It's a Lie! Or is it?: Can’t leave :)

It's a Lie! Or is it?: Start dropping names people!

It's a Lie! Or is it?: Fiiiiiine, I’ll start Shumai is cute as shit

A tongue any lesbian would love: Cumaru is just sooooooooooooo killable, but I don’t want to kill her!

Anna Nishikinomiya from Shimoneta: Kaidiot’s tits aren’t as big or beautiful as mine but her smile is kinda nice I guess

Money Money Money: … Makoto is tolerable

Money Money Money but with 100% more arson: Hajime

It's a Lie! Or is it?: What about my dad?

Money Money Money but with 100% more arson: I don’t want to burden the wonderful Ultimates with long texts… I’ll just say that his chest is nice

It's a Lie! Or is it?: 91cm of pure tiddy!

A tongue any lesbian would love: What a way to talk about your dad AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Anna Nishikinomiya from Shimoneta: What kind of virgin types out their laugh?

A tongue any lesbian would love: Oh I wouldn’t know ;)

Anna Nishikinomiya from Shimoneta: Huh…

It's a Lie! Or is it?: Btw who wants to crash the protags’ strip poker meeting on Sunday?

Anna Nishikinomiya from Shimoneta: Tiddy! Small as shit but Tiddy

A tongue any lesbian would love: TIDDY AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Money Money Money but with 100% more arson: Tiddy…

Money Money Money: I’m going only to remove Makoto from that situation

It's a Lie! Or is it?: Byakuya translation: Makoto tiddy

Money Money Money: Rot in a dumpster


	8. Testing out the new feature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which class 77 and company learn moer about eachother but the fun is cut short to prevent Nagito from dying form happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Izuru (Izzy Izzalea)  
> Chiaki (Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?)  
> Hajime (SHSL Housewife/Child Caregiver)  
> Nagito (The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret)  
> Ibuki (she S C R E A M)  
> Mikan (Nurse "I'm sorry")  
> Hiyoko (Squish squish Mahiru's sanity)  
> Mahiru (Being the mom friend is hard work)  
> Peko (PekoPekoPekoPeko)  
> Fuyuhiko (You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances)  
> Kazuichi (If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic)  
> Sonia (I for one welcome our new hamster overlord)  
> Gundham (The new hamster overlord)  
> Impostor (V is for vendetta)  
> Teruteru (Cooking Mama's pervert son)  
> Nekomaru (Oh shit…)  
> Akane (Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Threat)  
> Sato (SHSL Yandere)  
> Chisa (The original SHSL Maid)  
> Juzo (One Punch Man)

[Hope's Peak's staff made a huge mistake]

[Who needs sleep when you have Kirby? has added Chisa Yukizome to the chat]

SHSL Yandere: I've been waiting for this 

[SHSL Yandere has added Juzo Sakakura]

[SHSL Yandere has changed Juzo Sakakura's nickname to One Punch Man]

[Who needs sleep when you have Kirby? has changed Chisa Yukizome's nickname to The original SHSL Maid]

One Punch Man: What the fuck?

The original SHSL Maid: Language!

One Punch Man: Japanese

The original SHSL Maid: :(

SHSL Yandere: @One Punch Man Bitch

One Punch Man: Bitch

One Punch Man: @Who needs sleep when you have Kirby? why the fuck are you adding staff members in your class chat

One Punch Man: And Reserve Course students

SHSL Yandere: Burn in hell <3

One Punch Man: No

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: I wanted to add only Miss Yukizome but Sato decided to add you in… I think

The original SHSL Maid: That's right! I heard that Chihiro Fujisaki has added a game function to Alter Ego, what better way to test it than to play a game with my class, and their friends/partners and now the head of security!

One Punch Man: … 

SHSL Yandere: You're not leaving, I won't let you

One Punch Man: Fucking bet

[One Punch Man left the chat]

[SHSL Yandere has added Juzo Sakakura to the chat]

[SHSL Yandere has changed Juzo Sakakura's nickname to One Punch Man]

SHSL Yandere: Try me hoe

SHSL Threat: @SHSL Child Caregiver @Izzy Izzalea look, it's you

Izzy Izzalea: I disagree, Hajime swears more

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: I haven't heard him swear that often?

Izzy Izzalea: You haven't, I have 

One Punch Man: Let's just get this fucking game over with, how do you start this?

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Chihiro simplified it so those who don't know absolutely anything about code can use it, I think this is how it's done

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: /Call AlterEgo;/

Alter Ego: What can I do for you?

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: /Show AlterEgo(GameList);/

Alter Ego: Currently I am able to run the following games: Put a finger down

Alter Ego: My list of games is still very small, so please excuse the lack of variety!

SHSL Yandere: Pretty disappointing that there's only one game

The original SHSL Maid: It's still a work in progress, Chihiro has never done this before so it's important we recognize his hard work!

SHSL Yandere: You're way too energetic, no wonder you're a main course teacher

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Should we play?

One Punch Man: I can't leave unless we do so just run the damn thing

SHSL Yandere: No one tell him

The original SHSL Maid: First I'll call everyone, it won't be fun unless everyone is here

The original SHSL Maid: @Everyone

The original SHSL Maid: @Everyone

The original SHSL Maid: @Everyone

FuyuhikoKuzuryu: Stop spamming god damn

The original SHSL Maid: You should be faster, what if it was an emergency?

FuyuhikoKuzuryu: Is it an emergency?

The original SHSL Maid: Well, no

FuyuhikoKuzuryu: Then go fuck yourself

One Punch Man: Watch your mouth kid

FuyuhikoKuzuryu: Eat shit and die

The original SHSL Maid: Aaaand Akane and Teruteru have gone online too! All of us are here, you can start the game Chiaki!

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: /Run AlterEgo(GameOption1);/

Alter Ego: Would you like an explanation of the game Put a finger down before I run it?

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I would like one!

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: /Reply AlterEgo(ExplanationGameOption1) = True;/

Alter Ego: Put a finger down is a game where a group of people ask each other questions in the model of "Put your finger down if _____" if any person in the group has done the thing specified they put their finger down. The game continues until one or less people are left with their fingers up, or until they cancel the game. It can be played with ten or five fingers, depending on the wishes of the players.

Alter Ego: Which version should I run, the five finger version (Short) or the ten finger version (Long)?

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: I'm going to start the five finger version…

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: /Run AlterEgo(GameOption1Short);/

Alter Ego: Alright! Everyone online in this chat will play! I will randomly pick someone to start!

Alter Ego: @Being the mom friend is hard work! Please start the game!

Being the mom friend is hard work: Oh Uh… put a finger down if you've ever kissed someone. Don't comment, I know it's lame

SHSL Yandere: It's not, don't worry <3

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: If you have to put a finger down please use /Finger Down/ with a ; after Down…

SHSL Yandere: /Finger Down;/

SHSL Yandere: Does the one asking have to put their finger down too?

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: No, in this version at least

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: /Finger Down;/

The original SHSL Maid: /Finger Down;/

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: /Finger Down;/

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: /Finger Down;/

SHSL Threat: /Finger Down;/

SHSL Child Caregiver: /Finger Down;/

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: /Finger Down;/

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Damn, makes me feel bad…

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Don't be, you'll kiss someone someday

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Why are you making it sound like a fairytale wish?!

TeruteruHanamura: Is really no one going to notice that Sonia and Akane put their fingers down?

SHSL Threat: No

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: /Next Round;/

Alter Ego: Round over! @Nurse "I'm sorry" please continue the next round!

Nurse "I'm sorry": U-u-u-u-uh um P-put a finger down i-i-if you've ever been h-hospitalized 

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Stupid ugly pig, can't even come up with anything original!

Nurse "I'm sorry": I-I-I-I'M SORRYYYY!!!!

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Stop screaming! I can hear you from my dorm!

she S C R E A M: Awwww don't bully Mikan :(!!

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: No

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: /Finger Down;/

Oh shit…: /Finger Down;/

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: /Finger Down;/

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: /Finger Down;/

FuyuhikoKuzuryu: /Finger Down;/

she S C R E A M: /Finger Down;/

SHSL Threat: Lmao I remember when you broke both your fucking legs, that was so funny @FuyuhikoKuzuryu

FuyuhikoKuzuryu: Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

SHSL Child Caregiver: How did you manage to break both of your legs though?

PekoPekoPekoPeko: He tried to climb the highest tree in our garden when he was seven, he got to the top then fell all the way down

SHSL Child Caregiver: Oh…

FuyuhikoKuzuryu: Peko! The fuck?!

PekoPekoPekoPeko: I apologize…

SHSL Threat: Don't, that was fucking hilarious

FuyuhikoKuzuryu: Traitors, both of you

SHSL Threat: ;)

Nurse "I'm sorry": Wh-what about you, I-Ibuki?

she S C R E A M: Ibuki was headbanging so hard she fell off the 3 meter stage and almost cracked her head open!

Nurse "I'm sorry": O-o-o-oh

One Punch Man: Just move on to the next round

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: /Next Round;/

Alter Ego: Round over! @FuyuhikoKuzuryu please continue the next round!

FuyuhikoKuzuryu: Fucking, put a finger down if you've ever fought in public/school

One Punch Man: Fuck off kid

FuyuhikoKuzuryu: Right back at you dick weed!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Dick weed!

Izzy Izzalea: /Finger Down;/

SHSL Child Caregiver: /Finger Down;/

PekoPekoPekoPeko: /Finger Down;/

SHSL Threat: /Finger Down;/

SHSL Yandere: /Finger Down;/

One Punch Man: /Finger Down;/

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: /Finger Down;/

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I would like to guess the reasons for why everyone fought in school/ public before anyone reveals them, if I could

SHSL Yandere: Go for it

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Alright, Natsumi and Sato fought/tried to fight each other. Peko fought for Fuyuhiko. Akane found someone strong and decided she had to fight him. Juzo, I assume he fought a lot in his highschool days and Hajime and Izuru…

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I see two possibilities, either Hajime tired to fight Izuru and it just happened to be at school/in public or Hajime fought someone else and Izuru joined him

SHSL Child Caregiver: The second one is closer to the truth

Izzy Izzalea: When we were in elementary school one of our classmate broke my brother's nose in one of the windowsills, in turn my brother broke his assailant's nose

SHSL Child Caregiver: Then the teacher made me wipe up the blood from the floor, that stupid kid that broke my nose laughed at me and Izuru fucking pushed him against the desks and broke his arm

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Wow! So that's what having someone's back looks like!

SHSL Child Caregiver: I'm pretty sure that Izuru was just bored and apparently breaking a kid's arm felt like a fun thing to do

Izzy Izzalea: If that's how you prefer to see it

SHSL Child Caregiver: That's weirdly ominous, explain yourself

Izzy Izzalea: /Next Round;/

Alter Ego: Round over! @Oh shit… please continue the next round!

SHSL Child Caregiver: @Izzy Izzalea Bitch!

Oh shit…: OOOOK! PUT A FINGER DOWN IF YOU'VE EVER DRANK MORE THAN THREE ENERGY DRINKS IN 24 HOOOUUUUURS! I NEED TO KNOW WHO'S SUGAR INTAKE I NEED TO FIIIIIIIIIIX!!!!!!!

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: /Finger Down;/

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: /Finger Down;/

V is for Vendetta: /Finger Down;/

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: /Finger Down;/

The original SHSL Maid: /Finger Down;/

she S C R E A M: /Finger Down;/

Nurse "I'm sorry": I-Ibuki we talked a-about this. A-A-An Impostor, y-you should k-knkw better. And And M-Miss Yu-Yukizome, you're a teacher, you sh-shlould be g-giving a better example!

The original SHSL Maid: I haven't been scolded in so many years ahhahaha!

One Punch Man: Don't type out your laugh, you look like a psychopath

The original SHSL Maid: I can do whatever I want :)

Nurse "I'm sorry": Chiaki and K-kazuichi! I-I know you need a lot of e-energy for various reasons b-but please don't overdo the s-s-sugar!

Nurse "I'm sorry": And Nagito, I-I don't know much about your usual sugar i-i-intake b-but please don't c-consume too much

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Wow! The Ultimate Nurse cares about scum like me! I'm so happy!

SHSL Threat: How does it feel when your boyfriend fanboys over other people yet barely gives you half that energy @SHSL Child Caregiver?

SHSL Child Caregiver: Bold of you to assume he doesn't do that "Wow!" Thing for me too

SHSL Threat: Ugh, real love disgusting

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Do you want to try ending the round, Natsumi?

SHSL Threat: Fuck

SHSL Threat: /Next Round;/

Alter Ego: Round over! @The new hamster overlord please continue the next round!

The new hamster overlord: So it has come to this! The false life form has chosen the overlord of ice as the next conjurer! Listen well foolish mortals, hide one of your fingers if once upon your life time you've created a pack with a demonic beast from the depths of hell!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: Put a finger down if you've ever had a pet!

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Man I'm getting better at deciphering what he's saying!

The new hamster overlord: Thank you for your contribution Dark Lady. Controller of machines, I warn you of the pain that will take over you if you continue on the path of realization!

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Screw you man, you ain't getting rid of me that easily!

Nurse "I'm sorry": /Finger Down;/

One Punch Man: /Finger Down;/

SHSL Yandere: /Finger Down;/

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: /Finger Down;/

Being the mom friend is hard work: /Finger Down;/

The new hamster overlord: Name them! 

Nurse "I'm sorry": She was a h-house rat, I-I named her S-Seeds…

SHSL Yandere: Our family had a great dane named Boxer lmao

One Punch Man: Shut up

SHSL Yandere: No <3

Being the mom friend is hard work: I had a parrot when I was really young, can't remember his name though

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: I had a Golden Retriever when I was a child, my mom had named him Future

The new hamster overlord: Ahahaha! Of course! A demon beast has tamed your savage mortal souls in the past, truly you, White haired Demon, are better than I had thought!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: He thinks Nagito isn't so bad, since he was able to take care of his dog when he was a kid

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: Am I really receiving praise from the Ultimate Breeder himself? If this goes on any longer I might just die from overwhelming happiness!

SHSL Child Caregiver: Uh we better get this over with quickly, I don't really want him to die

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Then we'll do one more round

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: /Next Round;/

Alter Ego: Round Over! @NatsumiKuzury please continue this round!

SHSL Threat: Alrighty hoes, put a finger down if you've ever thought about killing someone in detail

SHSL Child Caregiver: ...Why?

SHSL Threat: I want to know exactly how many psychopaths like me are in this class

The original SHSL Maid: I would like to know as well!

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: I've never thought about something like that yet I still fear what Miss Yukizome is gonna do…

SHSL Threat: Who'll be the first brave bitch that will put their finger down?

Izzy Izzalea: /Finger Down;/

SHSL Child Caregiver: Honestly I'm not even surprised

SHSL Yandere: /Finger Down;/

SHSL Yandere: It was you, I thought about killing you

SHSL Threat: Bitch, how did you do it

SHSL Yandere: I would strangle you till you lost consciousness then I'd blufhen you to death with something unconventional, haven't figured out what yet

SHSL Threat: Nice

FuyuhikoKuzuryu: @SHSL Yandere watch yourself

PekoPekoPekoPeko: /Finger Down;/

PekoPekoPekoPeko: I am required to protect my Young Master, so plans of murder are sometimes necessary

SHSL Threat: Well yeah but I already know about you

Nurse "I'm sorry": /Finger Down;/

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: /Finger Down;/

SHSL Child Caregiver: @The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret why must you be like this?

The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret: I don't see you complaining, Hajime

SHSL Threat: Keep the family drama to yourselves, this shit is more interesting

SHSL Threat: @Nurse "I'm sorry" Elaborate bitch

Nurse "I'm sorry": I-I don't really l-like this h-h-habit of mine, but sometimes when I'm around n-needles and v-v-v-various medical drugs I subconsciously think about how m-much I gave to give som-m-meone to k-k-k-kill them

Nurse "I'm sorry": P-please don't hate meeeeee….

she S C R E A M: Mikan is too kind to actually kill someone, silly! No one's gonna hate you

SHSL Threat: Nice

FuyuhikoKuzuryu: You're not plotting to kill someone right now are you, Natsumi?

SHSL Threat: Bitch, no?! If I wanted to I wouldn't have asked this obvious shit!

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: I'm going to end the game now

SHSL Threat: @Who needs sleep when you have Kirby? it was fucking fun

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Thank you <3

SHSL Threat: <3

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: /AlterEgo(GameOption1Short) = False;/

Alter Ego: I hope you enjoyed the game!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: @Izzy Izzalea You never explained your murder plans

Izzy Izzalea: They would not be useful plans to me if I explained them to you

SHSL Child Caregiver: What's with you and being ominous today?

One Punch Man: Can I fucking leave now?

SHSL Yandere: Sure

[One Punch Man left the chat]

The original SHSL Maid: I could have told him this too of he stayed but oh well

The original SHSL Maid: I'm about to say something very important @Everyone!

FuyuhikoKuzuryu: It took them less time to come then last time, you fucking happy now?

The original SHSL Maid: Yes

The original SHSL Maid: Anyway. In the two weeks the new first years have been in this school, and more importantly for what I have to say, in the Reserve Course, there has been a sudden spike in the organized beatings of Reserve Course students. Please be very careful if you have any business in the Reserve Course! A stricter curfew has been put in place, please be in your dorms before 9pm!

The original SHSL Maid: Chiaki, how do I make my message appear at the top of the chat for everyone to see?

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: /Call AlterEgo; PinComment ("Anyway. In the two weeks the new first years have been in this school, and more importantly for what I have to say, in the Reserve Course, there has been a sudden spike in the organized beatings of Reserve Course students. Please be very careful if you have any business in the Reserve Course! A stricter curfew has been put in place, please be in your dorms before 9pm!");/

Alter Ego: Comment has been pinned! It will stay pinned until someone unpins it!

The original SHSL Maid: Thank you Chiaki!

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: No problem

Being the mom friend is hard work: Yeah, Sato you're not going to your dorms any time soon

SHSL Yandere: Nice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those of you who read the comments/picked up on the (not so subtle cuz I'm not subtle lmao) foreshadowing better keep an eye on the fic with the bonus scenes. I think those of you who like vengance will like the new chapter ;)
> 
> (look at me trying to be a serious writer dsbvfbwovhosbcfwsbi)


	9. Strip Poker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hiyoko and Ibuki set the scene for a fun class interaction and the protagonists' game night gets wilder than planned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Izuru (Izzy Izzalea)  
> Chiaki (Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?)  
> Hajime (SHSL Housewife/Child Caregiver)  
> Nagito (The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret)  
> Ibuki (she S C R E A M)  
> Mikan (Nurse "I'm sorry")  
> Hiyoko (Squish squish Mahiru's sanity)  
> Mahiru (Being the mom friend is hard work)  
> Peko (PekoPekoPekoPeko)  
> Fuyuhiko (You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances)  
> Kazuichi (If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic)  
> Sonia (I for one welcome our new hamster overlord)  
> Gundham (The new hamster overlord)  
> Impostor (V is for vendetta)  
> Teruteru (Cooking Mama's pervert son)  
> Nekomaru (Oh shit…)  
> Akane (Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Threat)  
> Sato (SHSL Yandere)
> 
> Ahogays for days:  
> Makoto (Protect the egg)  
> Hajime (And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE)  
> Komaru (Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo)  
> Toko (Scissors, yeah that's about it)  
> Kaede (Depussy)  
> Shuichi (I have detected that I'm gay)
> 
> Fellas, is it gay to suck the protagonist's ahoge?:  
> Byakuya (Money Money Money)  
> Nagito (Money Money Money but with 100% more arson)  
> Genocider Syo (A tongue any lesbian would love)  
> Miu (Anna Nishikinomiya from Shimoneta)  
> Kokichi (It's a Lie! Or is it?)

[Hope's Peak's staff made a huge mistake]

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: I just witnessed the most horrid thing after Mikan

Being the mom friend is hard work: Come on, we made so much progress…

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Yeah yeah I’m sorry Mikan I didn’t mean it

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Anyway, I looked through Ibuki’s fucking camera gallery and she’s been recreating coversations all of us have had. Like, she just puts on different “costumes” that are just different coloured shirts and she fucking recreates shit we’ve said while tik tok audious play in the background

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Why not make a fucking tik tok account??? Why are there almost two hundred videos???? @she S C R E A M explain why the outfit you use for me is just a yellow oversized shirt tied with a bathrobe sash!

she S C R E A M: Ibuki couldn’t find a yellow kimono that fit her

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: What cheap run down store did you go to?

she S C R E A M: The one that’s close to that wide road behind the Reserve Course

SHSL Yandere: You mean the one behind the cat cafe or the one in front of the clinic?

she S C R E A M: The cat cafe one!

SHSL Yandere: You should have gone to the other one, it’s second hand but there are a lot of really good things there. Ask Hajime, that’s the only place I’ve seen him buy clothes from.

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Gross! Getting a kimono from a dusty disgusting second hand store is absolutely horrible! If you’re going to act me you’re going to have to find a good kimono!

she S C R E A M: Ibuki looked at some online but they are waaayyy too expensive!!!!

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Can’t you do anything right?! I’ll take you to where I get my kimonos so you can find a normal, not disgustingly filthy, proper kimono!

she S C R E A M: Really?!!!!!! You’d do that for Ibuki?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: Only because everyone is required to own at least one good kimono

she S C R E A M: Yaaaay! I’m gonna go shopping with Hiyoko!!!!

Being the mom friend is hard work: Not to be a hypocrite but I just noticed the time and I think all of us should head to sleep

Squish squish Mahiru's sanity: You’re really about to ignore that she recreates our class’ conversations?

Being the mom friend is hard work: Yes

////////////////////////////////////////

[Fellas, is it gay to suck the protagonist's ahoge?]

It's a Lie! Or is it?: @Money Money Money but with 100% more arson why didn’t you show uuuup? I thought we were going to crash the antenna people’s strip partyyyyyy?

Money Money Money but with 100% more arson: I believe they’re going to play strip poker

It's a Lie! Or is it?: Same thing! I waited for you for half an hour! How are we supposed to plan anything out?

Anna Nishikinomiya from Shimoneta: So we’re not going to see some protagonist tits? Fucking hell

Money Money Money but with 100% more arson: I’m sorry to keep a wonderful ultimate like you waiting but I was actually doing something. I asked Hajime if we could join them tonight.

It's a Lie! Or is it?: You took the fun out of iiiiiiiiiit

Money Money Money but with 100% more arson: I’m sorry, but they agreed to have this game night so they could calm down and not deal with stress, I believe this is the best middle point.

Anna Nishikinomiya from Shimoneta: Explain this in a way some brain dead serial killer can understand, I can see she’s having trouble

A tongue any lesbian would love: Hey don’t put me in the same bag as you, you stupid cow udder!

Anna Nishikinomiya from Shimoneta: Ccow udddder...

Money Money Money but with 100% more arson: We’ve been allowed to join the protagonists, this way they don’t have to get stressed out over their game night being crashed, and we’ll be able to see “them tits”

A tongue any lesbian would love: THEEEEMMMMM TIIIIIIITTTTTTSSSSSS! LET’S GO ALREADY!

Money Money Money but with 100% more arson: Hajime said we’re going to be gathered in the old game room on the second floor of the dorms at 8:30

A tongue any lesbian would love: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! 30 MINUTES AND I’LL GET TO SEE SOME TIG BIDDIES!

Anna Nishikinomiya from Shimoneta: Don’t expect much from Kaidiot

It's a Lie! Or is it?: Shut up you cum soaked sock, her chest is bigger than my head and four times as big as your brain

Anna Nishikinomiya from Shimoneta: Ahiiiiiiiiiocshnaoiswebfiwoqebfwoaichnashcifaende

/////////////////////

[Ahogays for days]

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: I may have made a mistake

Depussy: This may be unrelated but I feel this has something to do with Miu’s… moans 

I have detected that I'm gay: That was Miu? I thought someone was being beaten

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: And you did nothing about it?????

I have detected that I'm gay: “If Kirumi hasn’t stopped it already it means you shouldn’t try to stop it either.” - Class 79-B proverb

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: Huh

I have detected that I'm gay: @HinataHajime did Nagito and the rest of the people in Kokichi’s chat do something?

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: Not yet

Scissors, yeah that's about it: They’re probably jumping with joy because you gave them an opportunity to see your massive goddamn melons! @And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE @Depussy

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: Massive goddamn melons…

Depussy: Not according to Miu anyway…

Protect the egg: Do they even know how to play poker?

I have detected that I'm gay: I feel as though they’re not really coming to play

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: We’ll explain it to them when they get there, either that or they can watch us for a bit until they understand the rules

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: I’m gonna head to the train station!

Protect the egg: Ok, we’ll start when you get here, also please be careful

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: Ok!!

Scissors, yeah that's about it: Look at this disgusting display of a big brother complex

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: You have no idea

Depussy: F in the chat for Big Tiddied Man, for his brother is a brocon

I have detected that I'm gay: I feel like there’s a joke I don’t get

Protect the egg: I’ve learned not to question it and to just say F

I have detected that I'm gay: F?

Depussy: F indeed

//////////////////////////////////////

[Ahogays for days]

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: I’m doing highlights are you fucking ready?

Scissors, yeah that's about it: I thought you were joking about that…

Protect the egg: Language!

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: --_--

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: “I feel like locking myself in the closet over there, Narnia would be so much better than you guys.” - Makoto Naegi

Protect the egg: :P

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: “Of course glasses don’t count as an item of clothing! I will play this round without them to prove that I do not need them to win. *Proceeds to facepalm right into Makoto’s hair*” - Byakuya Togami

Depussy: He was so embarrassed? I can’t really read this guy

Scissors, yeah that's about it: Of course you can’t, only I can properly read Master’s emotions!

Depussy: :P

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: “For the last fucking time, I CAN’T BREASTFEED YOU! THAT’S NOT HOW MY FUCKING BODY WORKS!” - Hajime Hinata

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: Honestly it feels like you have never been in a biology class

Protect the egg: Wait so you can’t actually produce milk from your chest?

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: I’m surrounded by idiots

Depussy: Elevator

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: Shot Put ball

Depussy: We’ve all had our embarrassing moments…

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: At least I’ve never knocked my classmates out cold

Depussy: Oh shut up you ass

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: :P

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: “Aw really, that’s unfortunate… I guess the appropriate reaction to this is for me to scream into my pillow until I feel better. *Proceeds to faceplant right into Hajime’s bare chest and then screams his lungs out.* ...Anyways were we’re we” - Nagito Komaeda

I have detected that I'm gay: That was an interesting sight to see…

Depussy: Miu has been spamming me that I should do that to her too…

Protect the egg: He was so casual after that too, I thought he got possessed or something

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: That’s not what possessions sounds like, Makoto

Protect the egg: How do you know???

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: “Master please spit on my glasses so I can clean them.” - Toko Fukawa

Protect the egg: She completely ignored me!

Depussy replied to Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: Ahahahaha that’s not how glasses work

Protect the egg: I feel this is a reference to something…

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: “Hajimeme Hinatits, remove your pants this fucking instance!” -Syo

I have detected that I'm gay: His reactions made me think I was hallucinating this whole thing…

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: What was it again? 

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: “Eat my ass you fucking clod!” I think?

I have detected that I'm gay: I’ve never heard the word clod being said with such aggression before…

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: Sorry if I scared you?

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: “Your lifespan will be shorter than my skirt if you keep up with this shit!” - Komaru Naegi

Depussy: Kokichi didn’t really seem phased though

I have detected that I'm gay: When is he really?

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: “I’ll be playing “A thousand miles” while I chase you down the street” - Kaede Akamatsu

Depussy: You guys don’t understand the possibilities of a piano on wheels!

Scissors, yeah that's about it: I’m sure your cow of a girlfriend will make you one

Depussy: That’s actually not a bad idea, and don’t call her a cow >:(

Scissors, yeah that's about it: :P

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo replied to Scissors, yeah that's about it: :P Toko appreciation <3<3<3

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: “Cummadick turn off your fucking luck or I’ll vore your cards!” - Miu Iruma

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: Next time he pisses me off I’ll change his name in our private chat to Cummadick

Protect the egg: It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out who she was talking to..

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: cuz ur slow af

Scissors, yeah that's about it: You’re on thin ice, Omaru. Proper grammar or death.

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: :P

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: “I sincerely forgot that to play Strip Poker you have to take your clothes off at one point.” - Shuichi Saihara

I have detected that I'm gay: I focused too much on the poker and forgot about the stripping part…

Protect the egg: I do that too sometimes, focusing on one half of a thing, I mean

And here I keep my talent, IF I HAD ONE: Same, unfortunately

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: And last but not least

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: “If you cut off all the protagonists’ ahoges, put them together in a mold, fill the rest of the mold with some clear material, let it sit for a while, until it’s completely dry and take off the mold you can make the Ultimate Dildo.” - Kokichi Ouma

I have detected that I'm gay: I’m sleeping with a hat on my head tonight…

Depussy: Same

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo: Aaaand that's all folks, my parents are totally not home now and I’m totally not supposed to be asleep so I’ll see you tomorrow!

Protect the egg: Night Komaru!

Scissors, yeah that's about it: Shit dreams Omaru

Protect the egg 2: electric boogaloo replied to Scissors, yeah that's about it: That wasn’t even clever… ok it kinda was but still

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If that part in the beginning felt kind of random don't worry, next chapter will be all about Ibuki aquiring new clothes for her theatrical adventures and other such fun things


	10. An amazing Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which communism spreads towards the first years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Izuru (Izzy Izzalea)  
> Chiaki (Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?)  
> Hajime (SHSL Child Caregiver)  
> Nagito (The three Hs, Hope, Hajime and the third one's a secret)  
> Ibuki (she S C R E A M)  
> Mikan (Nurse "I'm sorry")  
> Hiyoko (Squish squish Mahiru's sanity)  
> Mahiru (Being the mom friend is hard work)  
> Peko (PekoPekoPekoPeko)  
> Fuyuhiko (You'll disappear under mysterious circumstances)  
> Kazuichi (If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic)  
> Sonia (I for one welcome our new hamster overlord)  
> Gundham (The new hamster overlord)  
> Impostor (V is for vendetta)  
> Teruteru (Cooking Mama's pervert son)  
> Nekomaru (Oh shit…)  
> Akane (Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Threat)  
> Sato (SHSL Yandere)
> 
> We do be dating Ultimates tho:  
> Hajime (Gay Oranges are real)  
> Sato (Happy Sugar Life)  
> Natsumi (SHSL Little Bitch)
> 
> When you're so tired you fuck up the nickname guide

[Hope's Peak's staff made a huge mistake]

SHSL Child Caregiver: @Izzy Izzalea 

Izzy Izzalea: Yes?

SHSL Child Caregiver: Why does one of my uniforms smell like your detergent?

Izzy Izzalea: Because I washed it

SHSL Child Caregiver: And why, pray tell, were you washing my uniform?

Izzy Izzalea: Because I used it

SHSL Child Caregiver: …

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: “Stonks”?

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: No, not really

SHSL Threat: Hajime’s been typing for a while now

SHSL Threat: @SHSL Yandere Come over here, it’s happening

SHSL Yandere: Oh my god, ok it’s happening

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: What’s happening???

SHSL Threat: Hajime’s going to rage, I’ve been waiting for this to happen again

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: It can’t be that bad

SHSL Yandere: That’s cuz you’ve never seen Hajime rage

SHSL Threat: RIP Izuwu

SHSL Child Caregiver: I fucking warned you about this shit last month, you couldn’t go one month without attempting to fucking steal my identity you stupid mop. I swear to Christ if you do this shit one more time I’m going to go over to your cave of a room and wipe the entire fucking school’s floor with you

SHSL Threat: It’s a lot scarier when he’s screaming in your face

SHSL Yandere: Wait wait, there’s more

SHSL Threat: And now, Hajime Hinata’s impression of a swearing sailor that’s having a seizure

SHSL Child Caregiver: Stupid fucking moronic, dumb bitch, cunt, fuck fucking identity stealing piece of shit, I should have fucking swallowed you in the womb you stupid looking, insest penguin fuck, fucking bitch

Izzy Izzalea: I understand, you want to swallow me

SHSL Child Caregiver: No

Izzy Izzalea: Alright, now that you’re done. I’ve left you your coffee in front of your door 

SHSL Child Caregiver: Thanks

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: …

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: What the fuck was that?

SHSL Yandere: The vending machine broke again and he’s going through withdrawal

SHSL Child Caregiver: Yeah, basically

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: But you like… You went from really calm to swearing like crazy to really calm again???????

SHSL Child Caregiver: Listen I’m a busy person, my rage has to work on a schedule

SHSL Threat: That’s what it’s like in the motherfucking Reserve Course

If Leon was the Ultimate Mechanic: Huh…

she S C R E A M: Wowww!! That’s an impressive amount of swear words!!!! Makes me want to do a metal cover of a sea shanty!!!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: How did your shopping trip with Hiyoko go, Ibuki?

she S C R E A M: Hiyoko picked out a very pretty yellow kimono for Ibuki’s recreations!!!!!!!!!!!!

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: I’m glad

she S C R E A M: Ibuki actually upgraded a lot of her costumes! 

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: Can we see some of your videos?

she S C R E A M: No!!!!

SHSL Threat: Peace was never an option highlighter bitch

she S C R E A M replied to she S C R E A M: Because Ibuki is remaking all of her past videos with her new costumes!!!!!11

SHSL Threat: You get to live another day

Nurse "I'm sorry": What ar-r-re your fav-vourite costumes, I-Ibuki?

she S C R E A M: Mikan is Ibuki’s favourite!

she S C R E A M: Ohhh, costumes

Nurse "I'm sorry" replied to she S C R E A M: >//////< th-th-th-th-thank youuuu

she S C R E A M: Ibuki likes the cute apron and dress she uses for Mikan, that I totally didn’t steal from her closet ahahahahaha

she S C R E A M: She also likes when she puts a black shirt on her head to look like Izuru, and the kimono Hiyoko helped her buy that I use for Hiyoko

she S C R E A M: And the comfortable sweater she uses for Impostor, and the jacket that Nagito lent me that I drew on so I could use it for him, and the off brand cheap suit that Ibuki bought at a thrift store she uses to play Hajime

she S C R E A M: Ibuki likes all of her classmates’ costumes!!! Because they remind her of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

I for one welcome our new hamster overlord: That’s very wholesome Ibuki <3

Who needs sleep when you have Kirby?: <3

Wake up in the morning I got food on my mind: <3 dude!

she S C R E A M: <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

she S C R E A M: Ibuki’s filled with so many nice feelings!! She’s going to go write a ballad!!!!!!!!!!

//////////////////////////////

[We do be dating Ultimates tho]

Gay Oranges are real: Do you guys hear that too?

SHSL Little Bitch: The moaning down the hall or the USSR anthem?

Gay Oranges are real: The USSR anthem

Happy Sugar Life: Why are you still surprised? We’re third years, this has been happening since day one

Gay Oranges are real: I’m surprised that it’s coming from the music room, AKA the fucking choir is singing the USSR anthem in the presence/guidance of a teacher

SHSL Little Bitch: Why do we even have a choir?

Happy Sugar Life: After school activities have to exist I guess

SHSL Little Bitch: Y'all ready for the USSR to take over the first years?

Gay Oranges are real: Y’all

Happy Sugar Life: Y’all

SHSL Little Bitch: Just say yes or no motherfuckers

Gay Oranges are real: Yeah, sure

Happy Sugar Life: Yup

/////////////////////////////

[Sanity? Gone, Drugs? Probably, Normalcy? Never heard of it, Hotel? Kumasutra]

[View Nicknames? Yes? No? ]

[Nicknames:  
Shuichi Saihara (What did Kokichi do this time?)  
Kaede Akamatsu (Teamwork ;) )  
Kokichi Ouma (Nishishishi Squares)  
Miu Iruma (Tig Ol Biddie Committee)  
Kaito Momota (Certified Himbo)  
Maki Harukawa (Maki Rolling Girl)  
Kirumi Tojo (Piss me off and I’m disowning you)  
Gonta Gokuhara (Bee kind)  
Ryoma Hoshi (My spirit animal is the Reserve Course)  
Tenko Chabashira (Communism)  
Himiko Yumeno (Itty Bitty Titty Committee)  
Korekiyo Shinguji (Samara from The Ring)  
Rantaro Amami (Guess how many secret piercing I have)  
Tsumugi Shirogane (Tik Tok Audios)  
Kiibo (Are Roombas my relatives?)  
Angie Yonaga (Sells you to Satan in cursive) ]

Piss me off and I’m disowning you: I am sorry to interrupt but I must say the following: I am tired of Kokichi and I’m putting him up for adoption, if anyone is interested please claim him immediately, thank you

Nishishishi Squares: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh Kirumi you’re so meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnn

Maki Rolling Girl: @What did Kokichi do this time? please collect your spawn

Nishishishi Squares: Hey Maki, wouldn’t you be able to take good care of me since you’re the Ultimate Child Caregiver? Oh wait

Maki Rolling Girl: @What did Kokichi do this time? I advise you to hurry up

What did Kokichi do this time?: If I did adopt him wouldn’t I become his adoptive father? We’re dating so that would be insest

Maki Rolling Girl: I’m giving you ten seconds to find an alternative before it’s too late

Maki Rolling Girl: 10

What did Kokichi do this time?: Wait, please don’t kill him

Maki Rolling Girl: 9

Maki Rolling Girl: 8

Certified Himbo: Come on Makiroll, he’s annoying but you shouldn’t kill him

Maki Rolling Girl: 7

Maki Rolling Girl: 6

Nishishishi Squares: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH MAKI’S GONNA KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Maki Rolling Girl: 5

Maki Rolling Girl: 4

Teamwork ;): Please knock it off, Maki!

Tig Ol Biddie Committee: @Nishishishi Squares Buuuurn bitch! Burn in hell!

Maki Rolling Girl: 3

Maki Rolling Girl: 2

[Nishishishi Squares has added Hajime Hinata to the chat]

Nishishishi Squares: There!

Maki Rolling Girl: 1

Nishishishi Squares: Behold peasants! My dad!

What did Kokichi do this time?: Since when is Hajime your dad?

Nishishishi Squares: Since the day I met him, that’s how parents works, dummy

Tig Ol Biddie Committee: Oh cool Hajibae is in the chat now

Tig Ol Biddie Committee: Hajimeme Hinatits @Hajime Hinata fucking greet me motherfucker!

Teamwork ;): I think he might be in class

Piss me off and I’m disowning you: @Hajime Hinata I am deeply sorry for the burden you have to bear

Certified Himbo: Who is that guy anyway?

Samara from The Ring: He is a third year from the Reserve Course, his twin brother, Izuru Hinata the SHSL Hope, is in class 77-B 

Certified Himbo: Ultimate Hope? Is that like, being able to inspire people or something?

Nishishishi Squares: Nope, he just has every talent

Certified Himbo: How is that even possible??? Does he have my talent too?????? Isn’t that identity theft?????????????/

Nishishishi Squares: ;)

Nishishishi Squares: Uggghhhh, why isn’t he saying anything

What did Kokichi do this time?: Like Kaede said, he’s probably in class right now, the Reserve Course has a longer school day than us and end a few hours after us

Nishishishi Squares: He can at least say hi

What did Kokichi do this time?: I’m fairly certain he can’t

Nishishishi Squares: @Hajime Hinata

Nishishishi Squares: @Hajime Hinata 

Nishishishi Squares: @Hajime Hinata Say hi dad!!

Hajime Hinata: Stop spamming me I’m in class you little shit

Nishishishi Squares: Say hi…

Hajime Hinata: Hi, now stfu

Nishishishi Squares: See? I have such a great dad

Teamwork ;): For everyone who doesn’t know Hajime this situation might suggest otherwise…

Maki Rolling Girl: Honestly I could not care less what happens to Kokichi

Teamwork ;): That’s fair I suppose

Nishishishi Squares: >:(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My updates will be lass frequent (and less creatinve than my precious ones) but I am currently planning my Post Neo World Program fic, so I'm more focused on htat at the moment. When I start posting chapters for that fic I will finish this one so "COUNT YOUR FINAL DAYS MORTALS" as Gundham would say


	11. Twin Peaks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shuichi finds some common ground between himself and his boyfriend's "parents" and people talk about marrige

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sanity? Gone, Drugs? Probably, Normalcy? Never heard of it, Hotel? Kumasutra:  
> Shuichi Saihara (What did Kokichi do this time?)  
> Kaede Akamatsu (Teamwork ;) )  
> Kokichi Ouma (Nishishishi Squares)  
> Miu Iruma (Tig Ol Biddie Committee)  
> Kaito Momota (Certified Himbo)  
> Maki Harukawa (Maki Rolling Girl)  
> Kirumi Tojo (Piss me off and I’m disowning you)  
> Gonta Gokuhara (Bee kind)  
> Ryoma Hoshi (My spirit animal is the Reserve Course)  
> Tenko Chabashira (Communism)  
> Himiko Yumeno (Itty Bitty Titty Committee)  
> Korekiyo Shinguji (Samara from The Ring)  
> Rantaro Amami (Guess how many secret piercing I have)  
> Tsumugi Shirogane (Tik Tok Audios)  
> Kiibo (Are Roombas my relatives?)  
> Angie Yonaga (Sells you to Satan in cursive)

[Sanity? Gone, Drugs? Probably, Normalcy? Never heard of it, Hotel? Kumasutra]

Nishishishi Squares: @What did Kokichi do this time? “Let’s go to party”

What did Kokichi do this time?: Please don’t quote that horrible video

Nishishishi Squares: Nishishi I do want to go to a party tho

Nishishishi Squares: @Tig Ol Biddie Committee @Teamwork ;) @Sells you to Satan in cursive “Let’s go to party”

Sells you to Satan in cursive: There is a party tonight at 9pm :)

Sells you to Satan in cursive: It’s hosted by some of the second year classes :)

Nishishishi Squares: Is Byakuwuya’s class one of them????

Sells you to Satan in cursive: No, unfortunately :)

Nishishishi Squares: Damn, still going

Nishishishi Squares: @Tig Ol Biddie Committee @Teamwork ;) Answer me lesbians! “Let’s go to party”!!!!!!!

Tig Ol Biddie Committee: Hell yeah! Let’s show those second year losers how to party!

Teamwork ;): I’m going to need someone normal to come with me, @What did Kokichi do this time? Please 0-0

What did Kokichi do this time?: I was going to go because Kokichi asked me, but yeah, sure, I’ll come

Piss me off and I’m disowning you: @What did Kokichi do this time? @Teamwork ;) @Tig Ol Biddie Committee @Sells you to Satan in cursive please be safe, and don’t consume too much alcohol, if any

Nishishishi Squares: Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you’re so mean

Piss me off and I’m disowning you: You have a new parental figure now

What did Kokichi do this time?: I don’t think Hajime will react too well to you drinking a lot

Nishishishi Squares: If he yells at me that would make him a hypocrite

Nishishishi Squares: Plus, he’s muted this chat, there’s noooo way he would know 

Tig Ol Biddie Committee: @Hajime Hinata

Hajime Hinata: Honestly I don’t care where you go or what you do, just don’t get yourself killed or beaten or drugged or anything like that

[Nishishishi Squares has changed Hajime Hinata’s nickname to Lobster Donkey]

Lobster Donkey: If it wasn’t for the Cube Escape reference I would have killed you

Nishishishi Squares: Yayyy! I’m free to go!

Piss me off and I’m disowning you: @Lobster Donkey I thank you for your service

Lobster Donkey: Please don’t act as if I’m a military veteran while my nickname is Lobster Donkey

///////////////////////////

[Sanity? Gone, Drugs? Probably, Normalcy? Never heard of it, Hotel? Kumasutra]

Lobster Donkey: @Nishishishi Squares I changed my mind, you’re not going anywhere

Nishishishi Squares: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh why are you so meeeaaaannn daaaaadddd

Tig Ol Biddie Committee: Suck it loser! You got fucked 20 mins before the party started

Nishishishi Squares: Why did you bring my hopes up like this daaaaaaaadddd????

Lobster Donkey: Because you stole my fucking alcohol! You could have just asked me for some goddamn you!

Nishishishi Squares: Can I have some?

Lobster Donkey: I mean yeah but not from mine, ask Nagito, he has some too

[Nishishishi Squares has added Nagito Komaeda to the chat]

[Nishishishi Squares has changed Nagito Komaeda’s nickname to The Lady of the Lake]

The Lady of the Lake: Shame, I wanted my private chat with Hajime to be the only one with Cube Escape references, but I won’t complain about the decision of a wonderful Ultimate like you

Certified Himbo: So, uh, Kokichi’s first dad is Hajime, who seems like a normal dude, if a bit rude. and Kokichi’s other dad is Nagito, I think, who seems… less normal

Lobster Donkey: Don’t think about it too hard, you’ll get a migraine

Nishishishi Squares: @The Lady of the Lake Nagitooooooo, can I borrow your alcohol?

The Lady of the Lake: Sure!

Tik Tok Audios: Why aren’t you calling him dad too?

Nishishishi Squares: Because he isn’t my dad, he’s just fucking my dad

Tik Tok Audios: So if they got married he would be your dad, right?

Nishishishi Squares: @Lobster Donkey @The Lady of the Lake go think about getting married while I get blasted on your alcohol!

The Lady of the Lake: Don’t need to tell me twice

Teamwork ;): Oh to be Kokichi, a normal dad and a weird as fuck other dad who let him do whatever he wants

Nishishishi Squares: Nishishishi!

Tik Tok Audios: If you and Shuichi get married then he’d be Hajime and Nagito’s son-in-law

[Nishishishi Squares has changed What did Kokichi do this time?’s nickname to Dale Vandermeer Kin]

Dale Vandermeer Kin: I don’t understand?

Nishishishi Squares: Cube Escape reference!

Dale Vandermeer Kin: Why isn’t your nickname one too?

Nishishishi Squares: Cuz I’m a rebel ;)

///////////////////////////////////////

[Unnamed Chat Kokichi Ouma(Banana peel on your floor) → Shuichi Saihara(Coffee is my lifeblood)]

Banana peel on your floor: The Cube Escape and Rusty Lake games are part of a series of Twin Peaks inspired flash puzzle horror games about a mysterious murder of a woman and the weird happenings around Rusty Lake

Banana peel on your floor: The games (in order of release) are as follows: Cube Escape: The Lake, Cube Escape: Seasons, Cube Escape: Arles, Cube Escape: Harvey’s box, Cube Escape: Case 23, Cube Escape: The Mill, Rusty Lake: Hotel, Cube Escape: Birthday, Cube Escape: Theatre, Rusty Lake: Roots, Cube Escape: The Cave, Rusty Lake: Paradise, Cube Escape: Paradox, The White Door and Samsara Room (Remastered)

Banana peel on your floor: Every game with the title Cube Escape and is free to play, except Paradox’s second chapter, every game with the title Rusty Lake and The White Door have to be paid for

Banana peel on your floor: The original version of Samsara Room was created before any of the other games and got remastered to be longer and to be incorporated in the overarching story of the series, both versions are free to play

Coffee is my lifeblood: Why are you spamming me with this? Shouldn’t you be at the party already

Banana peel on your floor: I don’t wanna do anything while you’re not here

Coffee is my lifeblood: Alright, I promise I won’t take long

Coffee is my lifeblood: Also who is Dale Vandermeer from my nickname in the groupchat? I assume he’s a detective or something similar, since the series is inspired by Twin Peaks and the FBI agent from Twin Peaks is named Dale Cooper

Banana peel on your floor: “As expected of the Ultimate Detective! Of course you would figure it out so fast!”

Coffee is my lifeblood: Thanks… who are you imitating?

Banana peel on your floor: Nagito

Coffee is my lifeblood: Ah, of course. I need to get more coffee

Banana peel on your floor: That’s something Dale Vandermeer would say

Coffee is my lifeblood: Speaking of, why is your uh “Introduction to Cube Escape” so well worded, it’s very unlike you

Banana peel on your floor: >:( You’re so mean Shumai

Coffee is my lifeblood: Sorry…

Banana peel on your floor: Nah you’re right, Hajime wrote it when he first told me about the series and I was too lazy to write my own version

Coffee is my lifeblood: Does he like Twin Peaks too?

Banana peel on your floor: Yup! He got Nagito hooked on it too, it’s like, their whole thing, they talk about it all the time

Coffee is my lifeblood: I would love to discuss it with them! I haven’t met another person who likes Twin Peaks in real life!

Banana peel on your floor: Yeeess! Fall right into my trap! When you get closer with them it’ll be easier for them to give you their blessing when we get married! Genius plan!

Coffee is my lifeblood: Is that what your intention was? I thought you were sick of me talking about Twin Peaks 

Banana peel on your floor: It’s decided! After the party we’ll binge all the games!!!!!!

Coffee is my lifeblood: You completely ignored me…

Coffee is my lifeblood: But I would like that, binging the games with you I mean

Banana peel on your floor: Oh I see you! Let’s go in already

Coffee is my lifeblood: Yeah

/////////////////////////////

[Unnamed chat Nagito Komaeda (Cube Escape Birthday) → Hajime Hinata (The White Door)]

The White Door: I still don’t understand why you think this game fits me

Cube Escape Birthday: I’m not really sure myself. I guess the themes of a depressed man checking himself in a mental hospital because of grief over a woman he loved, then realizing he’s being experimented on and having to overcome his trauma and bringing back colour to his life just resonated with me ahahaha

The White Door: Awfully long explanation there

Cube Escape Birthday: I’m sorry, I do that a lot

Cube Escape Birthday: Plus it puts some mystery in our chat, mine is a lot more straight-foward

The White Door: I guess, anyway what did you want to say?

Cube Escape Birthday: Oh yeah, I completely forgot

Cube Escape Birthday: Uh

Cube Escape Birthday: Marriage?

The White Door: Like

The White Door: Like, right now? I don’t even have enough money to buy you a proper proposal ring, nevermind enough money for a whole wedding

Cube Escape Birthday: I do! I have more than enough money to buy the perfect ring and have the perfect wedding for someone as perfect as you

The White Door: First of all >///////<

The White Door: Second of all, since when do you have that much money??

Cube Escape Birthday: Have I never told you the time I got kidnapped and won a lot of money from a lottery ticket I found in the trash bag I was in?

The White Door: The… The what?? No??????? 

Cube Escape Birthday: Ah, my bad

Cube Escape Birthday: Winning a lot of money from lottery tickets is something very common for me, that’s why I don’t buy any

The White Door: Uh, hold up it’s just too much to process. Uhhh I guess I would like to figure out what I want to do in life before I get married

Cube Escape Birthday: Of course! I don’t want to pressure you or anything!

The White Door: It’s fine

////////////////

[Unnamed chat Nagito Komaeda (Cube Escape Birthday) → Hajime Hinata (The White Door)]

The White Door: Hey Nagito, there’s a random package in front of our door

The White Door: Akane said one of our names was written on the top but she messed it all up with ketchup while bringing it here, she doesn’t remember the name either

The White Door: Did you order anything?

Cube Escape Birthday: I don’t think so, try and open it

The White Door: Isn’t that an invasion of privacy?

Cube Escape Birthday: I don’t mind if it’s you opening it

The White Door: Uh sure

The White Door: …

Cube Escape Birthday: So? What’s in it?

The White Door: Nagito

Cube Escape Birthday: Yes?

The White Door: Why have you bought me lingerie?

Cube Escape Birthday: Too on the nose? I’m sorry

The White Door: Where are you right now?

Cube Escape Birthday: I’m helping Mikan and Akane move Mikan’s medical supplies into Ibuki’s room

The White Door: Well come up with an excuse and get over here!

Cube Escape Birthday: So it wasn’t too on the nose for you?

The White Door: Just get over here damn it!!!

Cube Escape Birthday: I’ll take that as a yes, I’m glad you enjoyed my present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've said this in the tags and I'll say it again: It's my comfort chatfic and I get to make references to an indie game no one has heard about
> 
> Play Cube Escape (All games are in the app store, all cube escapes and samsara room are free, the rest aren't, just like Kokichi said) please play it it's so underrated

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this was either


End file.
